THIS BLOG IS NO LONGER BEING USED.
GO AWAY.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Sweet
I had this dream this morning about checking my bank balance and not having much money in there even though I should of been paid and then I automatically wake up and remember I forgot to hand in my Centrelink form.
Whoops.
I don't think it matters too much, I think they just wont pay you until you hand your form in so I will be making my way down to their office and handing it in on Monday.
I've just had a stupid fortnight of doctors and getting anxious about results that I just forgot about it. Plus my forms are due once a month or every 6 weeks. Oh well.
I saw Deep Purple a few days ago with my Boyfriend and his friend. It was pretty good. It was nice to go out and do something for a change. Last night my boyfriend and I went to the cinema to see The Book of Eli which was amazing really. Tonight we might go and get coffee from the Cafe in Mcdonalds since it's cheaper there and we have been inside all day.
Plus I haven't been feeling that great in the stomach today. It could be related to my cyst. At least it's doing something I guess.
As I type this the BF is sleeping next to me I think it's time to wake him up. =)
Whoops.
I don't think it matters too much, I think they just wont pay you until you hand your form in so I will be making my way down to their office and handing it in on Monday.
I've just had a stupid fortnight of doctors and getting anxious about results that I just forgot about it. Plus my forms are due once a month or every 6 weeks. Oh well.
I saw Deep Purple a few days ago with my Boyfriend and his friend. It was pretty good. It was nice to go out and do something for a change. Last night my boyfriend and I went to the cinema to see The Book of Eli which was amazing really. Tonight we might go and get coffee from the Cafe in Mcdonalds since it's cheaper there and we have been inside all day.
Plus I haven't been feeling that great in the stomach today. It could be related to my cyst. At least it's doing something I guess.
As I type this the BF is sleeping next to me I think it's time to wake him up. =)
Monday, April 26, 2010
More Fat Please
I've gained almost 5kgs in 2 weeks.
I don't know what to do now. I feel like not eating anything at all. I don't even want to exit the house because I am embarrased about what I look like. Hiding away wont be possible today since I have to go out with my Boyfriend to his friends house in Brisbane and make our way to a concert later tonight. The time to see Deep Purple has arrived and right now I don't even want to go.
The past few days I have started to feel guilty about eating and I remind myself how much food I have consumed everyday. Even though most days I don't eat enough I still feel like it was too much. So far today, it is 11:50am and I have eaten 1 and a half pieces of toast and a cup of tea and I feel like that is way too much food. Right now I don't want to eat anymore for the rest of the day but I'll probably end up eating anyway to make everyone else happy.
This is probably the beginning of an eating disorder right?
Sigh.
I don't know what to do now. I feel like not eating anything at all. I don't even want to exit the house because I am embarrased about what I look like. Hiding away wont be possible today since I have to go out with my Boyfriend to his friends house in Brisbane and make our way to a concert later tonight. The time to see Deep Purple has arrived and right now I don't even want to go.
The past few days I have started to feel guilty about eating and I remind myself how much food I have consumed everyday. Even though most days I don't eat enough I still feel like it was too much. So far today, it is 11:50am and I have eaten 1 and a half pieces of toast and a cup of tea and I feel like that is way too much food. Right now I don't want to eat anymore for the rest of the day but I'll probably end up eating anyway to make everyone else happy.
This is probably the beginning of an eating disorder right?
Sigh.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
30 Minutes To Midnight
The X Files is running on my Tv in my bedroom while I sit on my bed playing games online. I kind of wish I had pay TV set up in my room after many nights spent at my boyfriends house who has cable hooked up in his bedroom.
I seem to be addicted to the Lifestyle You channel. Even though most beauty shows make me more depressed about myself because of my weight gain. I just seem to think that only skinny girls are considered to be pretty so now I just feel disgusting. Having a boyfriend that is so thin as well doesn't help.
Also seeing pictures of my ex boyfriend with his new girl who is skinny makes me depressed. I just feel so disgusting and ugly at the moment. Even though the weight gain wasn't due to over eating since I under eat.
No clothing in my wardrobe fits me and since I'm not made of money I can't afford to buy new clothes in the size I need. It's so frustrating trying to figure out what to wear now that will cover my problem areas. Those being my thighs, back and stomach. I also notice that most clothing for people over a size 12 is horrible. One clothing store I went into hardly had any size 14. Grrr.
In brighter news I am off to see Deep Purple play on Tuesday night at the Entertainment Centre. Lets hope my cyst doesn't decide to explode on that night.
I seem to be addicted to the Lifestyle You channel. Even though most beauty shows make me more depressed about myself because of my weight gain. I just seem to think that only skinny girls are considered to be pretty so now I just feel disgusting. Having a boyfriend that is so thin as well doesn't help.
Also seeing pictures of my ex boyfriend with his new girl who is skinny makes me depressed. I just feel so disgusting and ugly at the moment. Even though the weight gain wasn't due to over eating since I under eat.
No clothing in my wardrobe fits me and since I'm not made of money I can't afford to buy new clothes in the size I need. It's so frustrating trying to figure out what to wear now that will cover my problem areas. Those being my thighs, back and stomach. I also notice that most clothing for people over a size 12 is horrible. One clothing store I went into hardly had any size 14. Grrr.
In brighter news I am off to see Deep Purple play on Tuesday night at the Entertainment Centre. Lets hope my cyst doesn't decide to explode on that night.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Urgh
Okay...
So when I wrote that last entry I was not feeling the greatest. It was night time, I was alone, I had anxiety and I was feeling depressed about things. I was more so worried about ovaries. But I think now maybe I shouldn't keep jumping to conclusions and wait until I have more results.
The doctor rang me again this morning to tell me about going in 2 months instead of 3. So I guess that maybe she perhaps said the wrong amount of time and decided to change it to two. I asked if my blood test was okay this time and she said it was normal. So I guess I can stop getting myself into fits of anxiety over it. It looks like now all I have to worry about is my ovary cyst bursting and being rushed to hospital for pain medication only they can provide me with or finding out in my next scan that my cyst is still there and I will have to go to hospital to have surgery to have it removed.
In regards to deleting people off my facebook. It's better for you this way because my Facebook page has been turned into nothing more than a gaming thing. I have been playing a lot of games lately, especially off Facebook. I know games isn't the best way to help with anxiety and depression but I'm going to do it anyway. Otherwise I will spend more money and spending money is bad.
So when I wrote that last entry I was not feeling the greatest. It was night time, I was alone, I had anxiety and I was feeling depressed about things. I was more so worried about ovaries. But I think now maybe I shouldn't keep jumping to conclusions and wait until I have more results.
The doctor rang me again this morning to tell me about going in 2 months instead of 3. So I guess that maybe she perhaps said the wrong amount of time and decided to change it to two. I asked if my blood test was okay this time and she said it was normal. So I guess I can stop getting myself into fits of anxiety over it. It looks like now all I have to worry about is my ovary cyst bursting and being rushed to hospital for pain medication only they can provide me with or finding out in my next scan that my cyst is still there and I will have to go to hospital to have surgery to have it removed.
In regards to deleting people off my facebook. It's better for you this way because my Facebook page has been turned into nothing more than a gaming thing. I have been playing a lot of games lately, especially off Facebook. I know games isn't the best way to help with anxiety and depression but I'm going to do it anyway. Otherwise I will spend more money and spending money is bad.
....
It's time to admit that I am not okay with anything.
I just pretend I am.
So when I logged in and saw the photos all over my facebook status update page I became and still am severly depressed. I removed everyone from my friend list and this isn't something I will regret later. When it comes to that group of people who I knew when I was with my Ex, I felt like an outsider, now that I am not with my Ex being the outsider has become much more noticable. I didn't feel like I was friends with or belonged with them before and I definatly don't now. The new girl who is or isn't his girlfriend is more apart of that group than I ever was.
I know I wasn't invited to someones wedding because it was a small thing, but when your ex gets invited and his not girlfriend is invited and you see photos of them together playing happy family, it really hurt. And I keep crying, everyday thinking about what happened. And I think that maybe if I was normal, if I was a normal person things would of worked out.
And now he is happy and losing weight and with a normal person. I know that's all I ever wanted for him, but I am not dealing with anything and it's been 5 months.
Contributing to my depression is results. I recently got scan results back from the doctor and found out that I have a rather large cyst on my left ovary which has also made my left ovary enlarged. I got told I needed to have another blood test to make sure the cyst isn't doing things to my body...or something. The doctor says get another scan in 3 months then come back to her. A few days pass and I get a phone call to say to go in 2 months instead of 3 and they never told me anything about my blood test, so now I am really worried that the cyst isn't benign and that there is a possiblity that I have ovarian cancer.
I'm so scared.
I just feel like I am not suppose to be here and thats why all these bad things continue to happen to me.
I just pretend I am.
So when I logged in and saw the photos all over my facebook status update page I became and still am severly depressed. I removed everyone from my friend list and this isn't something I will regret later. When it comes to that group of people who I knew when I was with my Ex, I felt like an outsider, now that I am not with my Ex being the outsider has become much more noticable. I didn't feel like I was friends with or belonged with them before and I definatly don't now. The new girl who is or isn't his girlfriend is more apart of that group than I ever was.
I know I wasn't invited to someones wedding because it was a small thing, but when your ex gets invited and his not girlfriend is invited and you see photos of them together playing happy family, it really hurt. And I keep crying, everyday thinking about what happened. And I think that maybe if I was normal, if I was a normal person things would of worked out.
And now he is happy and losing weight and with a normal person. I know that's all I ever wanted for him, but I am not dealing with anything and it's been 5 months.
Contributing to my depression is results. I recently got scan results back from the doctor and found out that I have a rather large cyst on my left ovary which has also made my left ovary enlarged. I got told I needed to have another blood test to make sure the cyst isn't doing things to my body...or something. The doctor says get another scan in 3 months then come back to her. A few days pass and I get a phone call to say to go in 2 months instead of 3 and they never told me anything about my blood test, so now I am really worried that the cyst isn't benign and that there is a possiblity that I have ovarian cancer.
I'm so scared.
I just feel like I am not suppose to be here and thats why all these bad things continue to happen to me.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
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