ABC 123

It's 12:12am.

I have been having an interesting time mentally the past few days. I have missed calls from the doctor on my phone that I didn't check until Saturday when they were closed. I think the doctor is trying to contact me about going on the drugs every second day. I guess if they didn't want me to start doing that, even though it is what I got told to do then they could of rung me after my visit with the psychologist.

I would be rather annoyed if that was the case because I have been taking them every second day since Thursday now and tomorrow is Monday. I really hope I just continue what I am doing since I have already started doing it.

It is rather hard, harder than halving the dose. It's like I have all these emotions hitting me at one time and I don't know how to deal with it. Well I deal with it by eating. I have wasted so much money on chocolate and candy it isn't even funny. Plus I have gained a lot of weight which is making me rather depressed. I have started walking, but I haven't done it everyday because since I started taking the anti depressant every second day I haven't been feeling well.

It is like when I started going on them. I have trouble sleeping, but luckily it isn't every single night. About 2 days ago I stayed awake all night. I didn't sleep until about 8:30 in the morning and when I did sleep I only slept for 3 hours. Then the next day I went to sleep at 4:30am and didn't wake up until a little after one in the afternoon. When I did that I felt guilty about being asleep for so long.

I don't understand my feelings of guilt at all. I am on a medical certificate allowing me to not work for 3 months while I go off medication and I feel guilty about it. I feel like this is a silly reason to not work. Even though if I was working at this stage I most likely would be calling in sick.

Along with feelings of guilt I also have depression, I find myself crying at some stage everyday. It's usually about being unhappy with my appearance since the weight gain and my break up with my ex boyfriend. It's almost like since I was taking medication at that point when we broke up that I didn't really feel the emotions properly. Now everything that happened towards the end of last year is piling on top of me and all at once and I don't know how to deal with it all. I'm hoping in a few weeks this is something that will pass over.

I guess the other reason why I keep getting sad over my ex is because I'm going through something where the person I'm used to comforting me isn't there anymore. Even though I do have someone new now, it's not someone I am used to, even though we have been together now for nearly 3 months. But there is a huge difference between 3 months and nearly 6 years.

As I sit here typing away I get worried that my Mum or Dad will come out for a drink and see me sitting here at past midnight and wonder why I'm still up. They always say I can't sleep because I'm in front of a computer, but that isn't why at all. I have no trouble sleeping after being on a computer or playing Xbox or even drinking coffee. But since I have been on this medication it has effected my sleeping patterns massively.

I've started rambling.