More Fat Please

I've gained almost 5kgs in 2 weeks.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like not eating anything at all. I don't even want to exit the house because I am embarrased about what I look like. Hiding away wont be possible today since I have to go out with my Boyfriend to his friends house in Brisbane and make our way to a concert later tonight. The time to see Deep Purple has arrived and right now I don't even want to go.

The past few days I have started to feel guilty about eating and I remind myself how much food I have consumed everyday. Even though most days I don't eat enough I still feel like it was too much. So far today, it is 11:50am and I have eaten 1 and a half pieces of toast and a cup of tea and I feel like that is way too much food. Right now I don't want to eat anymore for the rest of the day but I'll probably end up eating anyway to make everyone else happy.

This is probably the beginning of an eating disorder right?

Sigh.

30 Minutes To Midnight

The X Files is running on my Tv in my bedroom while I sit on my bed playing games online. I kind of wish I had pay TV set up in my room after many nights spent at my boyfriends house who has cable hooked up in his bedroom.

I seem to be addicted to the Lifestyle You channel. Even though most beauty shows make me more depressed about myself because of my weight gain. I just seem to think that only skinny girls are considered to be pretty so now I just feel disgusting. Having a boyfriend that is so thin as well doesn't help.

Also seeing pictures of my ex boyfriend with his new girl who is skinny makes me depressed. I just feel so disgusting and ugly at the moment. Even though the weight gain wasn't due to over eating since I under eat.

No clothing in my wardrobe fits me and since I'm not made of money I can't afford to buy new clothes in the size I need. It's so frustrating trying to figure out what to wear now that will cover my problem areas. Those being my thighs, back and stomach. I also notice that most clothing for people over a size 12 is horrible. One clothing store I went into hardly had any size 14. Grrr.

In brighter news I am off to see Deep Purple play on Tuesday night at the Entertainment Centre. Lets hope my cyst doesn't decide to explode on that night.

Urgh

Okay...

So when I wrote that last entry I was not feeling the greatest. It was night time, I was alone, I had anxiety and I was feeling depressed about things. I was more so worried about ovaries. But I think now maybe I shouldn't keep jumping to conclusions and wait until I have more results.

The doctor rang me again this morning to tell me about going in 2 months instead of 3. So I guess that maybe she perhaps said the wrong amount of time and decided to change it to two. I asked if my blood test was okay this time and she said it was normal. So I guess I can stop getting myself into fits of anxiety over it. It looks like now all I have to worry about is my ovary cyst bursting and being rushed to hospital for pain medication only they can provide me with or finding out in my next scan that my cyst is still there and I will have to go to hospital to have surgery to have it removed.

In regards to deleting people off my facebook. It's better for you this way because my Facebook page has been turned into nothing more than a gaming thing. I have been playing a lot of games lately, especially off Facebook. I know games isn't the best way to help with anxiety and depression but I'm going to do it anyway. Otherwise I will spend more money and spending money is bad.

....

It's time to admit that I am not okay with anything.

I just pretend I am.

So when I logged in and saw the photos all over my facebook status update page I became and still am severly depressed. I removed everyone from my friend list and this isn't something I will regret later. When it comes to that group of people who I knew when I was with my Ex, I felt like an outsider, now that I am not with my Ex being the outsider has become much more noticable. I didn't feel like I was friends with or belonged with them before and I definatly don't now. The new girl who is or isn't his girlfriend is more apart of that group than I ever was.

I know I wasn't invited to someones wedding because it was a small thing, but when your ex gets invited and his not girlfriend is invited and you see photos of them together playing happy family, it really hurt. And I keep crying, everyday thinking about what happened. And I think that maybe if I was normal, if I was a normal person things would of worked out.

And now he is happy and losing weight and with a normal person. I know that's all I ever wanted for him, but I am not dealing with anything and it's been 5 months.

Contributing to my depression is results. I recently got scan results back from the doctor and found out that I have a rather large cyst on my left ovary which has also made my left ovary enlarged. I got told I needed to have another blood test to make sure the cyst isn't doing things to my body...or something. The doctor says get another scan in 3 months then come back to her. A few days pass and I get a phone call to say to go in 2 months instead of 3 and they never told me anything about my blood test, so now I am really worried that the cyst isn't benign and that there is a possiblity that I have ovarian cancer.



I'm so scared.

I just feel like I am not suppose to be here and thats why all these bad things continue to happen to me.

Brain Dead

A put coffee in my cereal bowl the other day.

Just thought you should know.

So?

Why do people hate people who play Farmville?

I have absolutley no understanding as to why people can't stand people who play this online game. People can't seem to get it into their thick little heads that not everyone likes to do the same things as each other. Just because some people like to play Farmville and you don't doesn't mean you need to make fun of them for it. I'm sure you do a lot of things that people don't like too.

I'm not even directing a you at anyone in particular, it's just something I have noticed while using facebook.

I don't think people should use real money to purchase things for in the game, I think that is rediculous because it's not like you get paid real money when you harvest your pretend crops but if some people want to do that then who really cares.

Everyone wastes money on stupid things.

Can't we all just get along - Imp

Emotion Usage

Whoops.

I've been crying today. I didn't think I would considering it's been 5 months since the Ex and I broke up. Today I have to pick up some things from his house. The furniture and things haven't been sorted out yet and it needs to be done.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm so emotional lately. I can't even listen to slow songs without crying about what happened.

Plus on top of this which will explain my emotions as well. Day one of not taking anti depressants has begun.

I'm not use to all these emotions. I'm use to be being numb.

Compupupupupuputer Games

At 10:25am after just waking up and eating breakfast, I am more interested in playing some Sims 2 then cleaning the house for my Mum so she doesn't have to do it on her days off. But I will clean the house first no matter how big my craving for Sims 2 action is because it's the right thing to do.

I awoke this morning to my mobile phone going off. It was my Ex and we discussed when I was getting picked up by him and being taken back to his house to sort out our furniture from when we lived together. When I first got the message in regards to this situation I got upset about it. But that is normal I guess. I'm going to give things away and sell some things because I don't really need any of it except my massage bed. I guess this means I could start doing massage again to practice since I have not given a proper massage to anyone in a very, very long time.

I keep waking up with a blocked nose again which is very upsetting. I can't decide if it's just the weather change or my surgery has stopped working. I really hope it's the first one because that surgery was really expensive.

I seem to be writing a blog that is all over the place.

I write like I have ADD.

And now I have lost my train of thought and will be going to clean a house that is already clean looking.

Orange Drink

The time has come for me to stop taking the anti depressant completely.

I sort of was suppose to stop taking it 2 weeks ago but freaked out a little bit about the concept of being off the drug completely. But tomorrow morning I will be chucking the remainder of my medication out. It's a little bit exciting I think.

In a few days it will be 3 months since the BF and I started dating. I have been getting some anxiety about being with someone for an extended period of time and have it just end. The thought of that happening at the moment is giving me anxiety at night time even though it isn't even really a big deal. I guess it's just happening to me because of how long I was with my ex boyfriend before we split up. I shouldn't even be thinking about these kinds of things when I've only been dating the BF for a few months. I think I will get over it in a short while.

I'm also getting back into computer gaming which is conveniant now that I don't have a computer. I have only started playing The Sims 2 and a little bit of The Sims 3. Plus I reactivated my World of Warcraft account and have slowly been leveling a priest. by slowly I mean so far she is only level 8. I think it's going to take me some time before I can fully get back into that game.

I can only play computer games for short amounts of time because I don't feel comfortable being out in the open on my parents computer and the chair is really uncomfortable. I hope I will be able to afford a lap top or something in a few months.

I know it's been a while since I updated. But I don't have much to say at the moment. My dismal amount of followers prevents me from caring to much to update regular. Even though this is mainly for myself, it would be nice to have people reading it from time to time and leaving feedback.

I think I need to improve my writing skills.

!

I do not appreciate people who are friends with my ex boyfriend telling people that he treated me like shit.

If you truely believe this then grow some fucking balls and say it to his face.

For fucks sake.