Future Anxiety

Drama, drama, drama.

I have encountered my first love square and boy does it suck. The past few days have managed to give me back anxiety that was long gone. I'm taking a break from one of my friends for a little while to try and let things die down a bit. So it looks like it's going to be a little quiet on the 'hanging out with friends' front. In other news it will be my sisters birthday this weekend and she is having a party with too many friends drinking too much alcohol and I will be attending and staying completely sober. Being the girl that I am I am already thinking about what I should wear, considering apart from my parents I will be the oldest person there. JOY!

I have been reading about the withdrawl symptoms of the anti depressant I am taking. I'm rather scared about going off them. I've read it's a hundred times worse than starting the drug and starting this drug was pretty damn bad. Times like this I wish I had more friends and have sleep overs like a kid every night of the week so I'm not alone in the process.

I also haven't been able to sleep again. I'm really starting to consider sleeping pills but I already stick enough poisons in my body with all my medication. This year is going to be a hard one.

I'm already starting to freak the fuck out....

FFS

You know what I miss? How I used to write. Maybe it will come back to me eventually, but right now I'm not liking how I write.

Maybe it's my medication. When I first started writing blogs, well, it wasn't when I first started, I've been writing blogs since I was in high school. I mean when I decided for the billionth time to start writing again after an absence from it I had no problem writing. I was even a bit funny. Now I have the hardest time even getting the energy to type something out. I can sit here and just stare at the screen for a few minutes and my mind will just be completely blank.

I take two types of medication. One is an anti depressant called Cymbalta. The other is a mood stabilizer called Epilim. I really want to get off the anti depressant because I really don't like it anymore. I've read a lot of stuff about Cymbalta too and it sounds nasty. So do the side effects. But the doctors wont let me go off it at the moment because of my current situation. I've been taking it for a few months, maybe 4, I really can't remember. When I first started taking it, it was a nghtmare. I could actually feel myself changing, my brain being effected. It was rather unusual.

I remember times when I would just sit on the shower floor just gripping my head with my hands and rocking myself while crying. I couldn't sleep for a few weeks, and with the little sleep I got there were bad dreams. Really bad. I would wake up screaming. I would wake up gasping for air because I had been holding my breath. Sometimes I felt like I was going to die, that something was wrong and this was it. I didn't really get any support from anyone, not even my doctors. I was alone while my brain was transforming. I don't recommend you go through anything like that alone.

Because of what it was like in the beginning of taking the drug, I get anxiety thinking about what it would be like going off them. If I forget just one day to take it, I instantly feel the effects. I can never quite explain how my body feels after missing a dosage. But I can tell you it isn't a nice feeling.

But I need to get off this drug.