FFS

You know what I miss? How I used to write. Maybe it will come back to me eventually, but right now I'm not liking how I write.

Maybe it's my medication. When I first started writing blogs, well, it wasn't when I first started, I've been writing blogs since I was in high school. I mean when I decided for the billionth time to start writing again after an absence from it I had no problem writing. I was even a bit funny. Now I have the hardest time even getting the energy to type something out. I can sit here and just stare at the screen for a few minutes and my mind will just be completely blank.

I take two types of medication. One is an anti depressant called Cymbalta. The other is a mood stabilizer called Epilim. I really want to get off the anti depressant because I really don't like it anymore. I've read a lot of stuff about Cymbalta too and it sounds nasty. So do the side effects. But the doctors wont let me go off it at the moment because of my current situation. I've been taking it for a few months, maybe 4, I really can't remember. When I first started taking it, it was a nghtmare. I could actually feel myself changing, my brain being effected. It was rather unusual.

I remember times when I would just sit on the shower floor just gripping my head with my hands and rocking myself while crying. I couldn't sleep for a few weeks, and with the little sleep I got there were bad dreams. Really bad. I would wake up screaming. I would wake up gasping for air because I had been holding my breath. Sometimes I felt like I was going to die, that something was wrong and this was it. I didn't really get any support from anyone, not even my doctors. I was alone while my brain was transforming. I don't recommend you go through anything like that alone.

Because of what it was like in the beginning of taking the drug, I get anxiety thinking about what it would be like going off them. If I forget just one day to take it, I instantly feel the effects. I can never quite explain how my body feels after missing a dosage. But I can tell you it isn't a nice feeling.

But I need to get off this drug.