It's been a month since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. We were together for just over 5 years and were very co dependent and reluctant to change our ways. Today was the first time we kind of hung out for a short time. We are going through the process of separating our belongings which I have never really had to do before in my life so far. Since we lived together on and off for those 5 years we have a lot of stuff to go through.
I was a bit anxious about seeing him again because for the past few days I have been really angry about the situation. I tried not to cry but it ended up happening and he didn't seem to mind. I had planned on saying so much to him about how I felt but when he showed up my mind went blank and I couldn't say anything at all. I bet I will regret that later, but it's not like I won't have the chance again and it might be better to do it at a later time when I'm not so angry.
Seeing him though really hurts because I do wish we hadn't broken up and I wanted to try again so badly but he just doesn't want to. Especially considering he already has started seeing somebody else, and believe me when I found out about that I was insulted and infuriated. Every night thoughts of the two of them come seeping into my head and it doesn't matter what I do I can't seem to stop it from happening.
I'm completely broken and don't intend on getting involved with anyone for a very long time. Right now I need friends which is something I have never really had before. The people I was friends with were also my ex boyfriends friends and since we have broken up I haven't really heard from a single one. My ex knows that I believe they have sub consciously taken his side on the matter. His response was just silence because I think he knows this is true.
It also doesn't help that I have Social Anxiety Disorder, it makes it very hard for me to meet people and befriend them. A lot of people don't know how to act with me and sometimes people take what's wrong with me personally.
But perhaps for now, I need to learn to cope with hanging out with me.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
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