Complete Insanity

It's time.

The conversation was read and the only thing I got out of it was every compliment made was completely ignored by MDB, who would often change the subject because an underage girl saying such things can make one rather uncomfortable. There was no evidence of a relationship in read conversations. There was no flirting done by MDB. No lovey dovey words by MDB. No sexual chat. No nothing. Just someone trying to help a young girl with troubles in school and at home.

He tried to help UAG. But she became obsessed. Changing her name to his name followed by ily. Because young girls can often have trouble understanding the difference between friendship and relationship. All he tried to do was help. Now for repayment, she is ruining his life.

I know she will eventually read this and act the same way she has been acting the whole time. I just want her to know she needs to stop this. She needs to stop sending messages to his phone. She needs to stop thinking they dated. She needs to stop trying to convince people. She needs to move on and forget about him. She needs to stop telling me such things. Trying to make me think I am inferior to her. That she will always be more important to MDB than I will ever be.

It will not work. You will not win. This needs to stop. And it needs to stop now.

Concentration Camp

Saying you're going to do something is so much easier than actually doing it.

Last night I said I was going to write a reply letter to my friend. When actual fact, I started a letter, managed one page, then I couldn't seem to concentrate on it anymore. My mind will wander off and start thinking about other things and eventually I can no longer do what I was doing. This is what happens with everything I am doing. Movies, xbox, TV, internet, sleep, reading. EVERYTHING.

Trying to sleep last night ended up like the past few nights. Most of my time was spent tossing and turning rather than actually sleeping. Although, I must admit the weather the past few nights also hasn't helped. Hot weather is one of my most hated kinds of weather. My obsession with being clean comes out in Summer. Constantly showering and changing clothes, only to start sweating and feeling dirty again. It drives me insane. Global Warming also doesn't help. Considering summer is almost over, it just seems to be getting hotter. I am really looking forward to winter.

Back to my sleeping habit. The cat, Louie or Lubemobile or Luba or Lubatron, slept in my room last night. I think she had been missing me since I have spend numerous days away from home. She just would not leave me alone last night. She has an obsession with wanting to sleep touching you in some way. Since it's hot weather and she is losing her cat hair, you wind up covered in it. And if sweat makes me feel dirty.....cat hair makes me feel super dirty.

It's time to remove this mud mask off my face and have a cold shower.

Lost Art

My excitement went through the roof...

Well, through the sky considering I was outside at the time, when I received a letter in the mail from an online friend from over seas.

We are going to start writing letters to each other. Even though at times I find letter writing to be hard, it's probably one of my favorite things to do. I want to start being pen pals with my friends that live in another country or in another state. It makes being in contact with each other much more personal. I sometimes get sick of MSN and email and letters on a screen.

Hand written letters seem to have more meaning.

Tonight, I'm going to write a reply. =)

The LOL Factor

Crazy kids.

Since I last updated...

• I left facebook
• I rejoined twitter
• My eye is much better
• I am no longer on antibiotics
• I have removed people from my life
• I saw a kitten that looked like my old kitty called Sasha

I could bullet point more but I'm due to be at 2 doctors within 1 hour. Do you think I can do it? You know what doctors are like these days. Leave you waiting an obscene amount of time and then they usually don't help you as much as you would of hoped or expected. Then you sometimes don't get bulk billed for this lack of help and it's always over priced.

At 2:22pm I decide whether or not I have time to talk about crazy kids and liars....

I could make a movie out of what has happened the past few months and it would be a blockbuster.

All I have time to say right now is that I suppose these people think they have or are affecting my life right now when in fact I am laughing at them for their stupidity and reactions to events that don't even have anything to do with them.

I am actually smiling right now.

Cruelty In Dreams

My dream last night bothered me.

This is the second dream I have had about my ex and the girl he is seeing that hurt my feelings. Everyone preferred her to me. All the friends, all the people, my ex's parents, they all preferred her to me. Even though I have known them for 5 years or more, she was better. Everyone was ignoring me and talking to her and I cried and tried to run away but I couldn't. It's like I was being forced to watch and forced to get my feelings hurt.

I am depressed about a stupid dream. But it isn't just the dream. I believe all this to be true. Why wouldn't it be? She can talk, I can't. She doesn't have mental illness, I do. She's smarter than me. She's independent. She's skinnier. She's prettier. She's younger. She's everything and I'm nothing.

I'm nothing.

I hate my social disability. I hate how it makes people treat me. I hate how it effects the ability to have friends. I hate myself so much. All I wanted for my ex was to find someone better than me, which is easy to do because I'm complete rubbish. And now that he has I'm depressed. I'm even starting to think this way about my current boyfriend. I actually hope he meets someone better than me. Then I can be alone and not be a bother to anyone anymore.

I don't have anything going for me. I can't talk. I can't form real relationships with people. I'm stupid. Too stupid to even finish school. I'm not good at anything.

But she is. She is better than me. I just feel so stupid. I wish people would stop lying to me. Stop telling me I'm pretty and that I'm not fat. Stop telling me I'm not stupid. Because I am all of these things. Please. Just leave me alone.

I am nothing.

Sex, Lies and Blogs.

This current fiasco is driving me insane.

So I've decided the best way to deal with it is to not deal with it. I will do this by ignoring what people say. I am sick and tired of people taking advantage of me. I am not as stupid as you think I am. The last time girls did this to me was in high school. HIGH SCHOOL. I am twenty fucking six. High school was about ten years ago for me now. I am too old for this shit. I believe MDB. End of the line.

This year was suppose to be a better year for me and so far it doesn't feel like it. It's one infection after another. Pills after pills after pills. Doctor after doctor after doctor. Give me a fucking break! You can tell I'm getting rather irritated by all this because I don't normally swear in my blogs. I leave that for real life.

iweugfiwgrfuqdfwehf!

Red Eye Part 2

My experience with doctors is that you have to see a few before you find one that actually wants to help you properly.

This doctor is actually helping me. He has given me 2 types of eye drops. One is an antibiotic that I first used and one is an inflammatory, funnily enough it's called FML. Which is exactly my current thoughts at the moment. I basically have to overdose my eye with antibiotics until Monday and then I will be seeing an eye specialist. They, the doctor and the eye specialist, seem to think that I either have a viral conjunctivitis or Iritis.

Hopefully it's the viral conjunctivitis. Because Iritis doesn't sound like a good thing to have.

Red Eye

Third doctor visit was a little bit more successful.
But the news wasn't good.

Tonight my eye is going to overdose on eye drops. Tomorrow morning I return to the doctor. If my eye looks the same then it is off to an eye specialist for an emergency visit. The doctor is worried that I have an infection of the iris behind the eye because of how much vision is gone from that eye.

I am not in a happy mood. I am rather scared that I have permanent damage to my eye. I feel like my body is falling apart. I have had so many doctor visits and surgeries the past few years...

What is going on?

Missing

Spending 2 nights and 3 days at my boyfriends house was a good idea.

I needed to get out of my bedroom and out of this house to become a little bit more sane again. We were suppose to play some PS2 but because my eye is still not even better I couldn't play anything for very long. Writing this is even a bit hard because my vision in my right eye is not good anymore. I just hope it isn't permanent.

Last night I watched the BF do karaoke at the pub. He sang a Judas Priest song for me which I really enjoyed. I also met some people he went to school with. Of course being a pub, when he was on stage singing a song, some old drunk guy tried to hit on me, which is a regular thing with me and going to pubs here in Aussie land. It would be nice if I were to be hit on by someone my own age or younger, but it seems I only attract drunk men over the age of 40.

Also, for some reason, some girls and an older woman kept giving me the most hated looks. The older woman even went to walk past me and stopped for a minute staring at me and I completely ignored her, but it really made me angry. I kept wondering what was wrong with me for people who I have never even seen before and who they have never seen before could hate me based on what I look like. If she had said something to me I probably would of broken my glass in her face. I hope I don't see her again.

In other news, my Mum has to get an ultra sound after going for a pap smear test because the doctor said something didn't look right down there. I have to go with her because we need to go to centrelink and we're going to see if I can get to a doctor about my eye. It's been like this for 2 weeks now. It' not as swollen as it used to be but it's still red, discharging pus and my vision is bad.

Oh well.

A Break Down Of Sorts

My mood is all over the place.
I'm depressed and angry at myself for things I have and have not done.
I feel ugly and fat and eat more because of it.
When I get down I miss my ex and it makes my current boyfriend feel like crap.
I hate being alone and I hate having company.
I just want someone to hug me while I sleep.
If I could just sleep...
I'm feeling like I cannot deal with myself.
I wish I could run away from my mind.
My only way to do that is through sleep.
If I could just sleep...

White Vs White

It is my opinion that Australians are getting more and more stupid.

Facebook users have this obsession with becoming a fan of something or being apart of a group that has the same beliefs as you. I am apart of this weird phenomenon. When the arrival of Australia Day was on our heels, Facebook became flooded with Australians joining Australian Pride groups. I became a fan of 'I'm sick of seeing those damn Australian flags on peoples' cars!'. In this group a girl joined just to tell everyone that we aren't real Australians because we don't like people sticking flags on their cars. I responded with, if we live here, we are Australian. Boy, she did not like that one little bit.

It went backwards (heh heh heh) and forwards like that for a little while. Almost immediatly, after seeing what I look like, she started accusing me of needing a piece of paper to be called Australian or and I quote 'even worse....here on a visa'. Right towards the end she told me I looked like a 'gook'. This came right after her rant on how I don't know what racism means and she does....obviously.

My Facebook photo might not show my face real well, but you can still see that I am white. I am white, white even. I might have brown eyes and brown hair, but when did that make someone look ethnic? Since when are Australians suppose to be blonde with blue eyes?

Are we becoming the next Nazi Germany?

The Return Of The Hypochondria

I have not yet returned to the doctor about my eye. I hate going to doctors because I always fear they are going to tell me there is something seriously wrong with me.

My eye is now the worst it has been in the past week. I avoided making an appointment today which made my parents incredibly angry so I will be making an appointment for tomorrow. Hopefully they can fit me in. Even though I was and kind of still am certain it is conjunctivitis, I have started to worry it's something else, that something else always winds up being cancer.

So, being the girl that I am I had a huge cry over it and my Mum found me and then I had to tell her about how I have been feeling which is something that I don't like doing. Maybe it's because I don't feel comfortable letting family know how I feel, or maybe I just don't like feeling even more weak and pathetic in front of them.

Who knows.