Sun Shower

Coffee with my ex was a good idea.

Getting in his car again for the first time in over a month made me feel weird, maybe because of all the years being in that car having him drive me somewhere. We went to Starbucks and got caramel frappachinos. We spoke about things we have been up to and our new relationships. I felt no anxiety or any need to cry like I have done the last few times I saw him. It was really good to see him again.

I was really worried that being friends with an ex wouldn't work. But I think we might be a part of that small group of people that can make a friendship work. I think this is because we both agree that we were always better at being friends.

I can now say, that when I think about the relationship that we had, I feel my most favorite of all emotions. Happy sad. I have no regrets about my relationship with my ex. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to know someone as well as I did and to have someone know me. I know we had some good times and we had some bad times. But maybe all of that had to happen. There will be a lot of things I will miss, that I will never experience again with him. The songs he used to make up for me, our afternoon naps together, his hugs, his little dances. =)

We went through so much together and it's sad that in the end we just couldn't keep going. But it's happy that we will still have each other in our lives.

I'm so happy I get to have you in my life and that you got to be my happy sad.
I love you. =)

Minature Spiral

I cried because I'm afraid.
I cried because I was alone.
I cried because I was confused.
I cried because I'm not certain.
I cried because I miss you.
I cried because I don't feel like I deserve this.

The Put Off

I keep hesitating to make an appointment with my doctor to ask about going off my medication. I'm terrified of going through the process of going off medication and no one else around me seems to understand.

My emotions have already been all over the place the last few days and I feel like I need to get them straight before I consider going off anything, otherwise I am worried I will get denied what I want to do.

I have so many issues with myself I'm starting to second guess if this is something I should be doing. The only thing I know for certain is that I am no longer comfortable with being on any type of drugs to help fix my problem.

My problems exist because of me, so I should be the one to fix them. Not a drug.

Same Same

Walking along a wooden path near the beach last night had an 'Oh my fucking God' moment.

This same path has a seating area which a specific moment in my life took place. The conversation which lead to my eventual break up with my ex. When this conversation took place an elderly couple sat opposite us and sat there almost the entire time.

Last night, walking along this same path with Mr Dancing Butterflies..(which I now hate referring to him as that because it's really stupid!)..the same elderly couple were walking ahead of us, even wearing the exact same thing they were wearing that night with my ex.

It was kind of strange to say the least.

Pill Induced Dreams

Napping has become a regular early to late afternoon habit that I wish to get out of. My days have become intertwined with one another and everything seems like a haze. Sometimes I don't even remember what day it is or if something I had done occured today or on some previous day of the week...

Or if it even happened at all.

I've started dreaming less about being the object of a killers fantasy and more about people around me. A dream that is sticking in my mind lately is the dream I had that involved a friend I had recently spent an evening with. In this dream we were at some kind of indoor market and there were a lot of people there. So many people in fact that we lost each other in the crowd and no matter how hard we tried we couldn't get each other back. Everytime we even came close some more people would get in the way and pull us even further apart.

It seems if I don't dream about someone wanting to kill me, I will dream of something else that is hurtfull to me. My dreams are evil and I wish a lot of them would stop happening, but it seems I have no control over it what so ever.

Future Anxiety

Drama, drama, drama.

I have encountered my first love square and boy does it suck. The past few days have managed to give me back anxiety that was long gone. I'm taking a break from one of my friends for a little while to try and let things die down a bit. So it looks like it's going to be a little quiet on the 'hanging out with friends' front. In other news it will be my sisters birthday this weekend and she is having a party with too many friends drinking too much alcohol and I will be attending and staying completely sober. Being the girl that I am I am already thinking about what I should wear, considering apart from my parents I will be the oldest person there. JOY!

I have been reading about the withdrawl symptoms of the anti depressant I am taking. I'm rather scared about going off them. I've read it's a hundred times worse than starting the drug and starting this drug was pretty damn bad. Times like this I wish I had more friends and have sleep overs like a kid every night of the week so I'm not alone in the process.

I also haven't been able to sleep again. I'm really starting to consider sleeping pills but I already stick enough poisons in my body with all my medication. This year is going to be a hard one.

I'm already starting to freak the fuck out....

The Magic Book

The new year has gone off with a bang. Seriously while typing that the wind slammed my bedroom door shut.

My nails are no longer blue but a shade of forest green. My room is still a complete mess. I broke my glasses and I got an illness and the antibiotics are making me drowsy and wanting to sleep all day. My depression has been in full force and I really wish it would just piss off and leave me alone because this isn't helping me in my decision to finally get off my anti depressant.

What I wanted to write about was my magic book. It's quite stupid really. Years ago I got an oracle book, kind of like those 8 balls you used to be able to get where you ask it a question, shake it around and it would give you an answer. With this one you concentrate, ask a question and flick through pages until you felt the need to stop and that page would have your answer. Mr Dancing Butterflies will no doubt read this so I will re word the question I asked my magical book. One evening I asked my book jokingly if I would ever meet a boy again and the page I ended up stopping on said this - rely on the help of a stranger.

Lately I keep thinking about that stupid book and what it said. Even though I don't believe in this book or anything like it at all, I still find it weird.