Cruelty In Dreams

My dream last night bothered me.

This is the second dream I have had about my ex and the girl he is seeing that hurt my feelings. Everyone preferred her to me. All the friends, all the people, my ex's parents, they all preferred her to me. Even though I have known them for 5 years or more, she was better. Everyone was ignoring me and talking to her and I cried and tried to run away but I couldn't. It's like I was being forced to watch and forced to get my feelings hurt.

I am depressed about a stupid dream. But it isn't just the dream. I believe all this to be true. Why wouldn't it be? She can talk, I can't. She doesn't have mental illness, I do. She's smarter than me. She's independent. She's skinnier. She's prettier. She's younger. She's everything and I'm nothing.

I'm nothing.

I hate my social disability. I hate how it makes people treat me. I hate how it effects the ability to have friends. I hate myself so much. All I wanted for my ex was to find someone better than me, which is easy to do because I'm complete rubbish. And now that he has I'm depressed. I'm even starting to think this way about my current boyfriend. I actually hope he meets someone better than me. Then I can be alone and not be a bother to anyone anymore.

I don't have anything going for me. I can't talk. I can't form real relationships with people. I'm stupid. Too stupid to even finish school. I'm not good at anything.

But she is. She is better than me. I just feel so stupid. I wish people would stop lying to me. Stop telling me I'm pretty and that I'm not fat. Stop telling me I'm not stupid. Because I am all of these things. Please. Just leave me alone.

I am nothing.