I have started the process of going off my medication.
The doctor has suggested going off the mood stabilizer first. I must be off it for one month then return to the doctor, see how I am then I can start going off my anti depressant. This is all very scary and exciting. As much as I am looking forward to not being on medication anymore, I am scared about the whole process of withdrawals and how drawn out this whole thing is going to be. I wont be looking to get a job for a few months now. So I suppose I better make my way down to Centrelink with a medical certificate.
I hope I am doing the right thing.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Adult Child
I'm 26 years old and I live with my parents.
This morning my phone woke me up. I sat up and picked up my mobile phone and answered it. It was my Mum and she sounded rather annoyed that at 8:15am I was still sleeping. There was a time when I would be up before 8:30am. That was before I started taking this medication. I have told my parents this already, but they don't believe me. They think I'm just being lazy staying up all night playing video games which isn't even true.
I don't sleep well at night and it isn't because I play video games. Ever since I started taking this anti depressant I haven't been able to sleep well. I go to bed at a decent time, but spend most of the hours in my bed tossing and turning or waking up from bad dreams in the middle of the night. Nothing I do helps me sleep, not even exercise. So it makes me really angry when my parents accuse me of playing too many video games and being in a front of a computer for too long.
During the day I rarely even touch my Xbox unless someone comes over or I get really bored. I will watch movies or play Uno on my Xbox if I am home alone at night because my parents use both TV's in the evening and so I enter my bedroom so I have something to do. I have in the past played video games all day but I have seriously not done that in a very long time. Especially since I also have trouble concentrating on anything for an extended period of time. I can't even read anymore. Which I find very upsetting because I love reading.
I just get cranky because I feel like no one listens to me or believes I have anything wrong with me. Living at home always makes me feel like a child again and I try so hard not to let anything bother me. I already feel useless having no job, no money and hardley any life. I don't need anything else on top of that.
This morning my phone woke me up. I sat up and picked up my mobile phone and answered it. It was my Mum and she sounded rather annoyed that at 8:15am I was still sleeping. There was a time when I would be up before 8:30am. That was before I started taking this medication. I have told my parents this already, but they don't believe me. They think I'm just being lazy staying up all night playing video games which isn't even true.
I don't sleep well at night and it isn't because I play video games. Ever since I started taking this anti depressant I haven't been able to sleep well. I go to bed at a decent time, but spend most of the hours in my bed tossing and turning or waking up from bad dreams in the middle of the night. Nothing I do helps me sleep, not even exercise. So it makes me really angry when my parents accuse me of playing too many video games and being in a front of a computer for too long.
During the day I rarely even touch my Xbox unless someone comes over or I get really bored. I will watch movies or play Uno on my Xbox if I am home alone at night because my parents use both TV's in the evening and so I enter my bedroom so I have something to do. I have in the past played video games all day but I have seriously not done that in a very long time. Especially since I also have trouble concentrating on anything for an extended period of time. I can't even read anymore. Which I find very upsetting because I love reading.
I just get cranky because I feel like no one listens to me or believes I have anything wrong with me. Living at home always makes me feel like a child again and I try so hard not to let anything bother me. I already feel useless having no job, no money and hardley any life. I don't need anything else on top of that.
Eye Puff
My absence from blog writing can be blamed on my boyfriend. It still feels weird referring to someone new as my boyfriend. I guess I'm still not used to this whole thing. It's been half a month since we started officially going out. Maybe in a few months things will feel more....normal?
The BF is currently the only person I have been hanging out with. We have seen each other every day for the past week. I'm in a weird place at the moment, I don't find the BF annoying, I guess I just get irritated that he is the only person I have to hang out with lately and that is what happened in my last relationship and I really didn't want to repeat that situation. But, it's a bit hard to find new friends or whatevers when you are jobless and your BF doesn't really have many friends either. So what am I to do?
Also, being someone who never has a day where something does not go wrong, I have some kind of conjunctivitis in my right eye. At least that's what she said without actually looking at my eye closely. So I got given some antibiotic eye drops that don't seem to be working. My vision is now really irritating me in that eye, because the fluid in my eye is quite thick and covering my pupil on a regular basis. I have tried rinsing it with salt water but that also does nothing. My eye is badly blood shot at the moment, especially underneath my top eye lid. The inner corner of my eye is getting sore from tissues and there appears to be some kind of lump next to my tear duct. So if this doesn't clear up, it's back to the doctor and saying goodbye to another $50 which is something I don't have.
Tomorrow will be the first day in a week or more that I will have to myself. It's making me anxious, even though I have things I can do. Today I rearranged my bedroom and now it feels fresh and new. I have some organizing of a shelf for my xbox games and electrical stuff and I need to organize my bathroom cupboard. Fun times!
Now I'm going to go before I rip my eyeball out of my head and squash it with my foot.
The BF is currently the only person I have been hanging out with. We have seen each other every day for the past week. I'm in a weird place at the moment, I don't find the BF annoying, I guess I just get irritated that he is the only person I have to hang out with lately and that is what happened in my last relationship and I really didn't want to repeat that situation. But, it's a bit hard to find new friends or whatevers when you are jobless and your BF doesn't really have many friends either. So what am I to do?
Also, being someone who never has a day where something does not go wrong, I have some kind of conjunctivitis in my right eye. At least that's what she said without actually looking at my eye closely. So I got given some antibiotic eye drops that don't seem to be working. My vision is now really irritating me in that eye, because the fluid in my eye is quite thick and covering my pupil on a regular basis. I have tried rinsing it with salt water but that also does nothing. My eye is badly blood shot at the moment, especially underneath my top eye lid. The inner corner of my eye is getting sore from tissues and there appears to be some kind of lump next to my tear duct. So if this doesn't clear up, it's back to the doctor and saying goodbye to another $50 which is something I don't have.
Tomorrow will be the first day in a week or more that I will have to myself. It's making me anxious, even though I have things I can do. Today I rearranged my bedroom and now it feels fresh and new. I have some organizing of a shelf for my xbox games and electrical stuff and I need to organize my bathroom cupboard. Fun times!
Now I'm going to go before I rip my eyeball out of my head and squash it with my foot.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Something Else
I'm thinking I should ban myself from writing blog entries when I'm in a depressive state. I'm not saying anything I have written is in any way false, but I know certain people read my blog and I like pretending that I am 100% okay.
Today I am feeling a lot better than I did last night. Although, I managed to fall asleep after just waking up while watching the first Star Trek movie. It's now almost 2pm and my ex who is suppose to be showing up to pick up some DVD's of his still hasn't arrived. I'm wondering if he has forgotten.
I unfortunatly weighed myself this morning and discovered a weight gain of 2kgs. 2 kgs I had lost while going to the gym. I'm so mad at myself for not exercising lately. I blame the weather. It's so hot I just can't be bothered. Tomorrow morning I should start treadmilling. I'm just unhappy with my thighs and their citrus peel appearance that is gradually getting worse and making me feel incredibly unattractive. Plus my stomach could do with looking less pregnant. I shouldn't care because I've been told I look good anyway, but I can't help it.
I'm starting to revert back to constantly thinking I shouldn't eat. That is very bad, bad, bad!
Today I am feeling a lot better than I did last night. Although, I managed to fall asleep after just waking up while watching the first Star Trek movie. It's now almost 2pm and my ex who is suppose to be showing up to pick up some DVD's of his still hasn't arrived. I'm wondering if he has forgotten.
I unfortunatly weighed myself this morning and discovered a weight gain of 2kgs. 2 kgs I had lost while going to the gym. I'm so mad at myself for not exercising lately. I blame the weather. It's so hot I just can't be bothered. Tomorrow morning I should start treadmilling. I'm just unhappy with my thighs and their citrus peel appearance that is gradually getting worse and making me feel incredibly unattractive. Plus my stomach could do with looking less pregnant. I shouldn't care because I've been told I look good anyway, but I can't help it.
I'm starting to revert back to constantly thinking I shouldn't eat. That is very bad, bad, bad!
Something
I finally made an appointment with my doctor for early next week. I'm nervous about going because I am worried she won't let me go off my medication.
I've been feeling like I have been on a rollercoaster. My emotions are all over the place and it's making me miserable all over again. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. I am trying to take everything one day at a time but it is really hard.
One reason for my emotions being all over the place is that I officially started going out with Mr Dancing Butterflies. I should be happy and nothing else, but I'm anxious and stressed and I think it's because the start of a new relationship is scary to me, especially since I haven't done it for over 5 years. It feels weird being with someone different. So very weird. I'm so used to my ex being there and now to have someone completely different...
I wonder how long it will take before this feels right.
I've been feeling like I have been on a rollercoaster. My emotions are all over the place and it's making me miserable all over again. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. I am trying to take everything one day at a time but it is really hard.
One reason for my emotions being all over the place is that I officially started going out with Mr Dancing Butterflies. I should be happy and nothing else, but I'm anxious and stressed and I think it's because the start of a new relationship is scary to me, especially since I haven't done it for over 5 years. It feels weird being with someone different. So very weird. I'm so used to my ex being there and now to have someone completely different...
I wonder how long it will take before this feels right.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sun Shower
Coffee with my ex was a good idea.
Getting in his car again for the first time in over a month made me feel weird, maybe because of all the years being in that car having him drive me somewhere. We went to Starbucks and got caramel frappachinos. We spoke about things we have been up to and our new relationships. I felt no anxiety or any need to cry like I have done the last few times I saw him. It was really good to see him again.
I was really worried that being friends with an ex wouldn't work. But I think we might be a part of that small group of people that can make a friendship work. I think this is because we both agree that we were always better at being friends.
I can now say, that when I think about the relationship that we had, I feel my most favorite of all emotions. Happy sad. I have no regrets about my relationship with my ex. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to know someone as well as I did and to have someone know me. I know we had some good times and we had some bad times. But maybe all of that had to happen. There will be a lot of things I will miss, that I will never experience again with him. The songs he used to make up for me, our afternoon naps together, his hugs, his little dances. =)
We went through so much together and it's sad that in the end we just couldn't keep going. But it's happy that we will still have each other in our lives.
I'm so happy I get to have you in my life and that you got to be my happy sad.
I love you. =)
Getting in his car again for the first time in over a month made me feel weird, maybe because of all the years being in that car having him drive me somewhere. We went to Starbucks and got caramel frappachinos. We spoke about things we have been up to and our new relationships. I felt no anxiety or any need to cry like I have done the last few times I saw him. It was really good to see him again.
I was really worried that being friends with an ex wouldn't work. But I think we might be a part of that small group of people that can make a friendship work. I think this is because we both agree that we were always better at being friends.
I can now say, that when I think about the relationship that we had, I feel my most favorite of all emotions. Happy sad. I have no regrets about my relationship with my ex. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to know someone as well as I did and to have someone know me. I know we had some good times and we had some bad times. But maybe all of that had to happen. There will be a lot of things I will miss, that I will never experience again with him. The songs he used to make up for me, our afternoon naps together, his hugs, his little dances. =)
We went through so much together and it's sad that in the end we just couldn't keep going. But it's happy that we will still have each other in our lives.
I'm so happy I get to have you in my life and that you got to be my happy sad.
I love you. =)
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