I have started the process of going off my medication.
The doctor has suggested going off the mood stabilizer first. I must be off it for one month then return to the doctor, see how I am then I can start going off my anti depressant. This is all very scary and exciting. As much as I am looking forward to not being on medication anymore, I am scared about the whole process of withdrawals and how drawn out this whole thing is going to be. I wont be looking to get a job for a few months now. So I suppose I better make my way down to Centrelink with a medical certificate.
I hope I am doing the right thing.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Adult Child
I'm 26 years old and I live with my parents.
This morning my phone woke me up. I sat up and picked up my mobile phone and answered it. It was my Mum and she sounded rather annoyed that at 8:15am I was still sleeping. There was a time when I would be up before 8:30am. That was before I started taking this medication. I have told my parents this already, but they don't believe me. They think I'm just being lazy staying up all night playing video games which isn't even true.
I don't sleep well at night and it isn't because I play video games. Ever since I started taking this anti depressant I haven't been able to sleep well. I go to bed at a decent time, but spend most of the hours in my bed tossing and turning or waking up from bad dreams in the middle of the night. Nothing I do helps me sleep, not even exercise. So it makes me really angry when my parents accuse me of playing too many video games and being in a front of a computer for too long.
During the day I rarely even touch my Xbox unless someone comes over or I get really bored. I will watch movies or play Uno on my Xbox if I am home alone at night because my parents use both TV's in the evening and so I enter my bedroom so I have something to do. I have in the past played video games all day but I have seriously not done that in a very long time. Especially since I also have trouble concentrating on anything for an extended period of time. I can't even read anymore. Which I find very upsetting because I love reading.
I just get cranky because I feel like no one listens to me or believes I have anything wrong with me. Living at home always makes me feel like a child again and I try so hard not to let anything bother me. I already feel useless having no job, no money and hardley any life. I don't need anything else on top of that.
This morning my phone woke me up. I sat up and picked up my mobile phone and answered it. It was my Mum and she sounded rather annoyed that at 8:15am I was still sleeping. There was a time when I would be up before 8:30am. That was before I started taking this medication. I have told my parents this already, but they don't believe me. They think I'm just being lazy staying up all night playing video games which isn't even true.
I don't sleep well at night and it isn't because I play video games. Ever since I started taking this anti depressant I haven't been able to sleep well. I go to bed at a decent time, but spend most of the hours in my bed tossing and turning or waking up from bad dreams in the middle of the night. Nothing I do helps me sleep, not even exercise. So it makes me really angry when my parents accuse me of playing too many video games and being in a front of a computer for too long.
During the day I rarely even touch my Xbox unless someone comes over or I get really bored. I will watch movies or play Uno on my Xbox if I am home alone at night because my parents use both TV's in the evening and so I enter my bedroom so I have something to do. I have in the past played video games all day but I have seriously not done that in a very long time. Especially since I also have trouble concentrating on anything for an extended period of time. I can't even read anymore. Which I find very upsetting because I love reading.
I just get cranky because I feel like no one listens to me or believes I have anything wrong with me. Living at home always makes me feel like a child again and I try so hard not to let anything bother me. I already feel useless having no job, no money and hardley any life. I don't need anything else on top of that.
Eye Puff
My absence from blog writing can be blamed on my boyfriend. It still feels weird referring to someone new as my boyfriend. I guess I'm still not used to this whole thing. It's been half a month since we started officially going out. Maybe in a few months things will feel more....normal?
The BF is currently the only person I have been hanging out with. We have seen each other every day for the past week. I'm in a weird place at the moment, I don't find the BF annoying, I guess I just get irritated that he is the only person I have to hang out with lately and that is what happened in my last relationship and I really didn't want to repeat that situation. But, it's a bit hard to find new friends or whatevers when you are jobless and your BF doesn't really have many friends either. So what am I to do?
Also, being someone who never has a day where something does not go wrong, I have some kind of conjunctivitis in my right eye. At least that's what she said without actually looking at my eye closely. So I got given some antibiotic eye drops that don't seem to be working. My vision is now really irritating me in that eye, because the fluid in my eye is quite thick and covering my pupil on a regular basis. I have tried rinsing it with salt water but that also does nothing. My eye is badly blood shot at the moment, especially underneath my top eye lid. The inner corner of my eye is getting sore from tissues and there appears to be some kind of lump next to my tear duct. So if this doesn't clear up, it's back to the doctor and saying goodbye to another $50 which is something I don't have.
Tomorrow will be the first day in a week or more that I will have to myself. It's making me anxious, even though I have things I can do. Today I rearranged my bedroom and now it feels fresh and new. I have some organizing of a shelf for my xbox games and electrical stuff and I need to organize my bathroom cupboard. Fun times!
Now I'm going to go before I rip my eyeball out of my head and squash it with my foot.
The BF is currently the only person I have been hanging out with. We have seen each other every day for the past week. I'm in a weird place at the moment, I don't find the BF annoying, I guess I just get irritated that he is the only person I have to hang out with lately and that is what happened in my last relationship and I really didn't want to repeat that situation. But, it's a bit hard to find new friends or whatevers when you are jobless and your BF doesn't really have many friends either. So what am I to do?
Also, being someone who never has a day where something does not go wrong, I have some kind of conjunctivitis in my right eye. At least that's what she said without actually looking at my eye closely. So I got given some antibiotic eye drops that don't seem to be working. My vision is now really irritating me in that eye, because the fluid in my eye is quite thick and covering my pupil on a regular basis. I have tried rinsing it with salt water but that also does nothing. My eye is badly blood shot at the moment, especially underneath my top eye lid. The inner corner of my eye is getting sore from tissues and there appears to be some kind of lump next to my tear duct. So if this doesn't clear up, it's back to the doctor and saying goodbye to another $50 which is something I don't have.
Tomorrow will be the first day in a week or more that I will have to myself. It's making me anxious, even though I have things I can do. Today I rearranged my bedroom and now it feels fresh and new. I have some organizing of a shelf for my xbox games and electrical stuff and I need to organize my bathroom cupboard. Fun times!
Now I'm going to go before I rip my eyeball out of my head and squash it with my foot.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Something Else
I'm thinking I should ban myself from writing blog entries when I'm in a depressive state. I'm not saying anything I have written is in any way false, but I know certain people read my blog and I like pretending that I am 100% okay.
Today I am feeling a lot better than I did last night. Although, I managed to fall asleep after just waking up while watching the first Star Trek movie. It's now almost 2pm and my ex who is suppose to be showing up to pick up some DVD's of his still hasn't arrived. I'm wondering if he has forgotten.
I unfortunatly weighed myself this morning and discovered a weight gain of 2kgs. 2 kgs I had lost while going to the gym. I'm so mad at myself for not exercising lately. I blame the weather. It's so hot I just can't be bothered. Tomorrow morning I should start treadmilling. I'm just unhappy with my thighs and their citrus peel appearance that is gradually getting worse and making me feel incredibly unattractive. Plus my stomach could do with looking less pregnant. I shouldn't care because I've been told I look good anyway, but I can't help it.
I'm starting to revert back to constantly thinking I shouldn't eat. That is very bad, bad, bad!
Today I am feeling a lot better than I did last night. Although, I managed to fall asleep after just waking up while watching the first Star Trek movie. It's now almost 2pm and my ex who is suppose to be showing up to pick up some DVD's of his still hasn't arrived. I'm wondering if he has forgotten.
I unfortunatly weighed myself this morning and discovered a weight gain of 2kgs. 2 kgs I had lost while going to the gym. I'm so mad at myself for not exercising lately. I blame the weather. It's so hot I just can't be bothered. Tomorrow morning I should start treadmilling. I'm just unhappy with my thighs and their citrus peel appearance that is gradually getting worse and making me feel incredibly unattractive. Plus my stomach could do with looking less pregnant. I shouldn't care because I've been told I look good anyway, but I can't help it.
I'm starting to revert back to constantly thinking I shouldn't eat. That is very bad, bad, bad!
Something
I finally made an appointment with my doctor for early next week. I'm nervous about going because I am worried she won't let me go off my medication.
I've been feeling like I have been on a rollercoaster. My emotions are all over the place and it's making me miserable all over again. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. I am trying to take everything one day at a time but it is really hard.
One reason for my emotions being all over the place is that I officially started going out with Mr Dancing Butterflies. I should be happy and nothing else, but I'm anxious and stressed and I think it's because the start of a new relationship is scary to me, especially since I haven't done it for over 5 years. It feels weird being with someone different. So very weird. I'm so used to my ex being there and now to have someone completely different...
I wonder how long it will take before this feels right.
I've been feeling like I have been on a rollercoaster. My emotions are all over the place and it's making me miserable all over again. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. I am trying to take everything one day at a time but it is really hard.
One reason for my emotions being all over the place is that I officially started going out with Mr Dancing Butterflies. I should be happy and nothing else, but I'm anxious and stressed and I think it's because the start of a new relationship is scary to me, especially since I haven't done it for over 5 years. It feels weird being with someone different. So very weird. I'm so used to my ex being there and now to have someone completely different...
I wonder how long it will take before this feels right.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sun Shower
Coffee with my ex was a good idea.
Getting in his car again for the first time in over a month made me feel weird, maybe because of all the years being in that car having him drive me somewhere. We went to Starbucks and got caramel frappachinos. We spoke about things we have been up to and our new relationships. I felt no anxiety or any need to cry like I have done the last few times I saw him. It was really good to see him again.
I was really worried that being friends with an ex wouldn't work. But I think we might be a part of that small group of people that can make a friendship work. I think this is because we both agree that we were always better at being friends.
I can now say, that when I think about the relationship that we had, I feel my most favorite of all emotions. Happy sad. I have no regrets about my relationship with my ex. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to know someone as well as I did and to have someone know me. I know we had some good times and we had some bad times. But maybe all of that had to happen. There will be a lot of things I will miss, that I will never experience again with him. The songs he used to make up for me, our afternoon naps together, his hugs, his little dances. =)
We went through so much together and it's sad that in the end we just couldn't keep going. But it's happy that we will still have each other in our lives.
I'm so happy I get to have you in my life and that you got to be my happy sad.
I love you. =)
Getting in his car again for the first time in over a month made me feel weird, maybe because of all the years being in that car having him drive me somewhere. We went to Starbucks and got caramel frappachinos. We spoke about things we have been up to and our new relationships. I felt no anxiety or any need to cry like I have done the last few times I saw him. It was really good to see him again.
I was really worried that being friends with an ex wouldn't work. But I think we might be a part of that small group of people that can make a friendship work. I think this is because we both agree that we were always better at being friends.
I can now say, that when I think about the relationship that we had, I feel my most favorite of all emotions. Happy sad. I have no regrets about my relationship with my ex. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to know someone as well as I did and to have someone know me. I know we had some good times and we had some bad times. But maybe all of that had to happen. There will be a lot of things I will miss, that I will never experience again with him. The songs he used to make up for me, our afternoon naps together, his hugs, his little dances. =)
We went through so much together and it's sad that in the end we just couldn't keep going. But it's happy that we will still have each other in our lives.
I'm so happy I get to have you in my life and that you got to be my happy sad.
I love you. =)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Minature Spiral
I cried because I'm afraid.
I cried because I was alone.
I cried because I was confused.
I cried because I'm not certain.
I cried because I miss you.
I cried because I don't feel like I deserve this.
I cried because I was alone.
I cried because I was confused.
I cried because I'm not certain.
I cried because I miss you.
I cried because I don't feel like I deserve this.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Put Off
I keep hesitating to make an appointment with my doctor to ask about going off my medication. I'm terrified of going through the process of going off medication and no one else around me seems to understand.
My emotions have already been all over the place the last few days and I feel like I need to get them straight before I consider going off anything, otherwise I am worried I will get denied what I want to do.
I have so many issues with myself I'm starting to second guess if this is something I should be doing. The only thing I know for certain is that I am no longer comfortable with being on any type of drugs to help fix my problem.
My problems exist because of me, so I should be the one to fix them. Not a drug.
My emotions have already been all over the place the last few days and I feel like I need to get them straight before I consider going off anything, otherwise I am worried I will get denied what I want to do.
I have so many issues with myself I'm starting to second guess if this is something I should be doing. The only thing I know for certain is that I am no longer comfortable with being on any type of drugs to help fix my problem.
My problems exist because of me, so I should be the one to fix them. Not a drug.
Same Same
Walking along a wooden path near the beach last night had an 'Oh my fucking God' moment.
This same path has a seating area which a specific moment in my life took place. The conversation which lead to my eventual break up with my ex. When this conversation took place an elderly couple sat opposite us and sat there almost the entire time.
Last night, walking along this same path with Mr Dancing Butterflies..(which I now hate referring to him as that because it's really stupid!)..the same elderly couple were walking ahead of us, even wearing the exact same thing they were wearing that night with my ex.
It was kind of strange to say the least.
This same path has a seating area which a specific moment in my life took place. The conversation which lead to my eventual break up with my ex. When this conversation took place an elderly couple sat opposite us and sat there almost the entire time.
Last night, walking along this same path with Mr Dancing Butterflies..(which I now hate referring to him as that because it's really stupid!)..the same elderly couple were walking ahead of us, even wearing the exact same thing they were wearing that night with my ex.
It was kind of strange to say the least.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Pill Induced Dreams
Napping has become a regular early to late afternoon habit that I wish to get out of. My days have become intertwined with one another and everything seems like a haze. Sometimes I don't even remember what day it is or if something I had done occured today or on some previous day of the week...
Or if it even happened at all.
I've started dreaming less about being the object of a killers fantasy and more about people around me. A dream that is sticking in my mind lately is the dream I had that involved a friend I had recently spent an evening with. In this dream we were at some kind of indoor market and there were a lot of people there. So many people in fact that we lost each other in the crowd and no matter how hard we tried we couldn't get each other back. Everytime we even came close some more people would get in the way and pull us even further apart.
It seems if I don't dream about someone wanting to kill me, I will dream of something else that is hurtfull to me. My dreams are evil and I wish a lot of them would stop happening, but it seems I have no control over it what so ever.
Or if it even happened at all.
I've started dreaming less about being the object of a killers fantasy and more about people around me. A dream that is sticking in my mind lately is the dream I had that involved a friend I had recently spent an evening with. In this dream we were at some kind of indoor market and there were a lot of people there. So many people in fact that we lost each other in the crowd and no matter how hard we tried we couldn't get each other back. Everytime we even came close some more people would get in the way and pull us even further apart.
It seems if I don't dream about someone wanting to kill me, I will dream of something else that is hurtfull to me. My dreams are evil and I wish a lot of them would stop happening, but it seems I have no control over it what so ever.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Future Anxiety
Drama, drama, drama.
I have encountered my first love square and boy does it suck. The past few days have managed to give me back anxiety that was long gone. I'm taking a break from one of my friends for a little while to try and let things die down a bit. So it looks like it's going to be a little quiet on the 'hanging out with friends' front. In other news it will be my sisters birthday this weekend and she is having a party with too many friends drinking too much alcohol and I will be attending and staying completely sober. Being the girl that I am I am already thinking about what I should wear, considering apart from my parents I will be the oldest person there. JOY!
I have been reading about the withdrawl symptoms of the anti depressant I am taking. I'm rather scared about going off them. I've read it's a hundred times worse than starting the drug and starting this drug was pretty damn bad. Times like this I wish I had more friends and have sleep overs like a kid every night of the week so I'm not alone in the process.
I also haven't been able to sleep again. I'm really starting to consider sleeping pills but I already stick enough poisons in my body with all my medication. This year is going to be a hard one.
I'm already starting to freak the fuck out....
I have encountered my first love square and boy does it suck. The past few days have managed to give me back anxiety that was long gone. I'm taking a break from one of my friends for a little while to try and let things die down a bit. So it looks like it's going to be a little quiet on the 'hanging out with friends' front. In other news it will be my sisters birthday this weekend and she is having a party with too many friends drinking too much alcohol and I will be attending and staying completely sober. Being the girl that I am I am already thinking about what I should wear, considering apart from my parents I will be the oldest person there. JOY!
I have been reading about the withdrawl symptoms of the anti depressant I am taking. I'm rather scared about going off them. I've read it's a hundred times worse than starting the drug and starting this drug was pretty damn bad. Times like this I wish I had more friends and have sleep overs like a kid every night of the week so I'm not alone in the process.
I also haven't been able to sleep again. I'm really starting to consider sleeping pills but I already stick enough poisons in my body with all my medication. This year is going to be a hard one.
I'm already starting to freak the fuck out....
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Magic Book
The new year has gone off with a bang. Seriously while typing that the wind slammed my bedroom door shut.
My nails are no longer blue but a shade of forest green. My room is still a complete mess. I broke my glasses and I got an illness and the antibiotics are making me drowsy and wanting to sleep all day. My depression has been in full force and I really wish it would just piss off and leave me alone because this isn't helping me in my decision to finally get off my anti depressant.
What I wanted to write about was my magic book. It's quite stupid really. Years ago I got an oracle book, kind of like those 8 balls you used to be able to get where you ask it a question, shake it around and it would give you an answer. With this one you concentrate, ask a question and flick through pages until you felt the need to stop and that page would have your answer. Mr Dancing Butterflies will no doubt read this so I will re word the question I asked my magical book. One evening I asked my book jokingly if I would ever meet a boy again and the page I ended up stopping on said this - rely on the help of a stranger.
Lately I keep thinking about that stupid book and what it said. Even though I don't believe in this book or anything like it at all, I still find it weird.
My nails are no longer blue but a shade of forest green. My room is still a complete mess. I broke my glasses and I got an illness and the antibiotics are making me drowsy and wanting to sleep all day. My depression has been in full force and I really wish it would just piss off and leave me alone because this isn't helping me in my decision to finally get off my anti depressant.
What I wanted to write about was my magic book. It's quite stupid really. Years ago I got an oracle book, kind of like those 8 balls you used to be able to get where you ask it a question, shake it around and it would give you an answer. With this one you concentrate, ask a question and flick through pages until you felt the need to stop and that page would have your answer. Mr Dancing Butterflies will no doubt read this so I will re word the question I asked my magical book. One evening I asked my book jokingly if I would ever meet a boy again and the page I ended up stopping on said this - rely on the help of a stranger.
Lately I keep thinking about that stupid book and what it said. Even though I don't believe in this book or anything like it at all, I still find it weird.
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