Little Comforts

I am having ups and downs about my life. Maybe it's just because this year is almost at an end and this year was a pretty bad one and I am getting anxious about a new one starting and what it has in store for me.

There is a part of me that misses being in my little box of comfort and never leaving it. The past few days I have mainly spent in my room because hanging out with new people and some things that I have done the past week is becoming a little much for me. Although spending the time I have in my room has made me a bit depressed.

I know my entries have been rather short lately. I just seem to have little spurts of emotions. I currently have a really bad headache. I've been getting them a lot lately. The last thing I feel like doing is popping more pills but the panadol gets rid of them eventually.

Now it's back to The Big Lebowski.

Ex-Periences

My first alone day for one whole week didn't turn out as good as I had hoped. When I am alone my thoughts run wild, usually in a negative way.

The boy from 'Dancing Butterflies' has stuck around. I've never met anyone like him before and I'm glad that I have. I am worried about how much I like him, again I will say that I didn't expect to meet anyone I would like in this way and as much as I have gotten and still do get butterflies I have started to now get some minor anxiety. The anxiety is because of my past experiences with boys and I don't want to repeat any of the same mistakes I made in the past. Also some of my experiences has made it hard for me to trust people, especially people who say they like me in some way.

The last few days I have also been thinking about my ex boyfriend. With some of the dramas that have been happening recently in my life the past few weeks regarding friendships I think I miss the unchanging and most comfortable feeling of being with someone for a long amount of time. I've resisted the urge to call my ex but tonight I sent an SMS to his mobile which he hasn't replied to.

I would of thought I'd have more to write about, I know I do, I'm just having a hard time getting the words out. Unless I'm too worried about certain people reading this. But I need to just not care. But I get worried I will scare people away.

I'm guessing my word of the week is 'worried'.

We're In For Nasty Weather

The past few days have been an ongoing roller coaster ride of emotions. All this new stuff is taking it's toll on me and sometimes I wish I could just run away and hide from the world. But I won't. Because I need this.

I have to admit trying to write an entry right now is incredibly hard because of everything that's going on inside my head. I'm trying to help myself by doing things I've had a hard time doing for a few weeks. My concentration is still really poor and all this new stuff is causing me to revert to not doing things that I am suppose to be doing.

I've started listening to music, watching movies and I started to read a book today. I'm hoping this will get me back to being able to concentrate on something for longer than 15 minutes. When I'm around others I have no problem concentrating, but when I'm alone my thoughts like to wonder off.

It's driving me insane.

Dancing Butterflies

I have typed a beginning and deleted it so many times it isn't funny. Maybe because this isn't a sad sap story I'm finding it really hard to write about....among other things.

Yesterday I spent time with a new friend. There wasn't much talking involved but I had a really nice time. I'm sort of rather excited about this whole thing. It's all new and I haven't had new for a long time. Something he said last night made me realise the same thing. I haven't had a friend like this before or anything like this before and I don't want to ruin it. I like things the way they are right now and I want to make the most of it.

I smile whenever I think about the times we've hung out together so far. Admitting things like this makes me feel kind of silly. Like I'm in high school all over again with those stupid high school crushes every girl has had. But he makes me feel happy and I really like spending time with him. I just really wish I could quit being so shy all the time. I got scared at first and I guess I still am because I really didn't expect to like someone again and didn't really want to I suppose but you really can't control things like this.

=) I'm such a girly girl right now.

We had lunch at the river and sat there for hours. It was peaceful and even though not much conversation happened I had a really good time. I don't think either of us wanted to leave but since we had something else planned to do that day during business hours we kinda had to. Since he has lent me his lap top he purchased a longer cable for me so I could use the lap top in my bedroom. But it's so long I can use it pretty much everywhere in the house now. Not that I need to use the lap top in every single room. But who knows when you might need to. =D

I'm seeing him again on Monday I believe and I must admit I am looking forward to it even though I will be a shy and silent girl who giggles a lot.

Closet Monsters

My dreams have been the same lately.

I'm me and I'm someplace surrounded by normal people. Then these people change into something else. They change into monsters except they still look human but they want to kill me. I try and escape but it's like I can't run. I panic and they reach me but before they are able to kill me I wake up.

Every night. It's always the same. Different place. But surrounded by closet monsters.

Day Dream Crazy

The past few days I haven't been able to concentrate on anything due to my obsession with day dreaming. I've been doing some research and have discovered that doctors actually think this may be a disorder. Something like ADD without the hyperactivity.

My day dreams are usually of people I know. I create situations in my head that I probably won't be in and imagine myself being me without any of my social problems. It's something I started doing when I was in primary school. So it's something that is connected to my social anxiety disorder. My imagination is as vivid as real life. I should think myself lucky for that at least.

In school I was always good at creative writing and art. It was something I enjoyed the most as well. But for some reason it's something I forgot about as I got older. When my depression kicked in I lost interest in a lot of things that I used to like and started getting into things that were a product of my problems. One was talking to people on the internet because I discovered I had no problem typing words on a screen to someone I don't really know. That's when my internet addiction started.

Perhaps I should get out my art book and start drawing again. If I draw what I day dream about it could help get rid of this annoying problem.

Sleeping Beast

While my friend is sleeping silently on my bed I decided to pop out another entry.

I have been thinking about what I have and haven't been doing since the break up. I've done less of what I wanted to get done. That included getting my driving license, getting a new job, learning public transport and being less depressed. The only thing I have done is become somewhat more social by hanging out with friends, well at the time it was one friend and now it's bumped up to 2 and will soon be 3 at least for a short period of time. I guess since it's been just over a month and I have social anxiety, I guess that is a massive improvent, I just wish things would move along faster, but maybe taking things slowly is the better way to go.

Living with your parents makes things harder though because they always want everything done now. Well, at least mine do. I guess I just want some time to hang out with people which is something I haven't done by myself for a very long time, maybe even a year or so. Since right now what I need is to start new friendships I'm kind of putting this first, even though a job to earn money is probably more important.

Today was spent by the beach eating noodles with 2 new friends. I was quiet to begin with but slowly started to talk as the day went on. I never had a conversation, but putting in an input of something is better than nothing. One of these friends has lent me his lap top for I don't know how long to play some games. One is Left For Dead 2. I don't think I'll start playing that tonight, I don't think I have the brain function for video games tonight after 2 nights of completely broken sleep.

I feel so worn out. It's the kind of tired where you just can't sleep. I was tossing and turning all night last night and got up feeling worse for wear.

I guess I better check on the sleeping boy I have in my room.

FFS

You know what I miss? How I used to write. Maybe it will come back to me eventually, but right now I'm not liking how I write.

Maybe it's my medication. When I first started writing blogs, well, it wasn't when I first started, I've been writing blogs since I was in high school. I mean when I decided for the billionth time to start writing again after an absence from it I had no problem writing. I was even a bit funny. Now I have the hardest time even getting the energy to type something out. I can sit here and just stare at the screen for a few minutes and my mind will just be completely blank.

I take two types of medication. One is an anti depressant called Cymbalta. The other is a mood stabilizer called Epilim. I really want to get off the anti depressant because I really don't like it anymore. I've read a lot of stuff about Cymbalta too and it sounds nasty. So do the side effects. But the doctors wont let me go off it at the moment because of my current situation. I've been taking it for a few months, maybe 4, I really can't remember. When I first started taking it, it was a nghtmare. I could actually feel myself changing, my brain being effected. It was rather unusual.

I remember times when I would just sit on the shower floor just gripping my head with my hands and rocking myself while crying. I couldn't sleep for a few weeks, and with the little sleep I got there were bad dreams. Really bad. I would wake up screaming. I would wake up gasping for air because I had been holding my breath. Sometimes I felt like I was going to die, that something was wrong and this was it. I didn't really get any support from anyone, not even my doctors. I was alone while my brain was transforming. I don't recommend you go through anything like that alone.

Because of what it was like in the beginning of taking the drug, I get anxiety thinking about what it would be like going off them. If I forget just one day to take it, I instantly feel the effects. I can never quite explain how my body feels after missing a dosage. But I can tell you it isn't a nice feeling.

But I need to get off this drug.

Morning After

I really hate it when I want to write but I just can't.

It was my birthday a few days ago and I didn't really do anything special. I never really celebrate my birthday anymore. I know this shouldn't bother me, but I don't even have a group of friends, so having a party for my birthday is something I don't ever do. But because my Mum has been worried about me since the break up, I decided I would try and do something. The something was Mexican food, Guitar Hero and a movie.

It was mainly family, a friend and one of his friends that I had never met before. The evening was okay, except I kept thinking about my ex and wishing he was there. Later in the evening I even almost started crying. But, considering it was my first birthday in 6 years without him being there, that is to be expected.

My movie choice was Paranormal Activity. It wasn't exactly scary and I thought there was way too much day time talks about what happens at night time. They were probably trying to drag it out for more suspense but it really didn't work. But because the movie itself wasn't scary doesn't mean the concept of a demon haunting you isn't. I've had a supernatural experience myself but whenever I tell someone they look at me like I'm fucking crazy.

Side tracking is fun. It makes you look like you have ADD. Continuing on about my birthday night, we came home from the movies and I watched my friend and his friend play Star Wars Lego for an hour or more on my Xbox. Star Wars Lego isn't something I can play for very long without getting an intense headache. The evening pretty much came to an end around that time.

So all in all it was a pretty quiet night. A nerd night perhaps. A social outcast night.

Fading Face

Sometimes I will stare at my face in the mirror until the edges start to fade to black. I try to avoid mirrors because of how badly I criticize my appearance. Most of the time I look at myself and think that I don't look normal, that somehow I seem to look not even human or devoid of gender. I often find myself comparing everything about my appearance to other people I see and think that they are so much better in every way.

My negativity about myself is a huge problem. I believe that because I lack attractiveness I need to make up for it with my personality except I can't even do that because of my social anxiety. So in the end I just believe I am a complete failure.

This is a habit I wish I could break.

Mean Dreams

Last night I kept dreaming about my ex. In my dream his new girlfriend told me that they were already in love. My ex kept telling me he would never want to go out with me ever again...I've started my day with anxiety.

Since yesterday afternoon I have been thinking about him. How much I miss him. I wanted to call him so badly and ask him to come over. But I didn't, I knew what his answer would be. I don't understand my emotions. The past few days I was so angry I could of punched holes in the walls and now since I've seen him I've returned to being upset and wishing we could just start over.

I really don't see myself getting over this any time soon. I'm still in love with someone who isn't in love with me anymore. I don't know what the cure for that is.

Ex Visit

It's been a month since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. We were together for just over 5 years and were very co dependent and reluctant to change our ways. Today was the first time we kind of hung out for a short time. We are going through the process of separating our belongings which I have never really had to do before in my life so far. Since we lived together on and off for those 5 years we have a lot of stuff to go through.

I was a bit anxious about seeing him again because for the past few days I have been really angry about the situation. I tried not to cry but it ended up happening and he didn't seem to mind. I had planned on saying so much to him about how I felt but when he showed up my mind went blank and I couldn't say anything at all. I bet I will regret that later, but it's not like I won't have the chance again and it might be better to do it at a later time when I'm not so angry.

Seeing him though really hurts because I do wish we hadn't broken up and I wanted to try again so badly but he just doesn't want to. Especially considering he already has started seeing somebody else, and believe me when I found out about that I was insulted and infuriated. Every night thoughts of the two of them come seeping into my head and it doesn't matter what I do I can't seem to stop it from happening.

I'm completely broken and don't intend on getting involved with anyone for a very long time. Right now I need friends which is something I have never really had before. The people I was friends with were also my ex boyfriends friends and since we have broken up I haven't really heard from a single one. My ex knows that I believe they have sub consciously taken his side on the matter. His response was just silence because I think he knows this is true.

It also doesn't help that I have Social Anxiety Disorder, it makes it very hard for me to meet people and befriend them. A lot of people don't know how to act with me and sometimes people take what's wrong with me personally.

But perhaps for now, I need to learn to cope with hanging out with me.

This Drug.

I'm not new to the world of blogging. But I have been absent for quite some time. My absence started with a drug. This drug made me start reading books again, this drug made me get back into doing things I thought I would never enjoy again. But this drug also took away my ability to want to be creative. To write. To blog. This drug was an anti depressant. This drug still circulates through my body to this very day. This drug is hard to get off.

I have been on and off anti depressants since the age of 18. It's something I wish I never had to start doing in the first place. But here I am. This is the beginning of a journey that has taken me all my life to start. Accepting yourself for who you are is a hard thing to do. But I plan on doing it. I guess because of the time of year it could be classified as a New Year's Resolution.

I must warn readers who come across this blog, that my first few entries will most likely be a massive vent of a recent event in my life. But it's something that has to be done for me to completely move on.