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Sweet

I had this dream this morning about checking my bank balance and not having much money in there even though I should of been paid and then I automatically wake up and remember I forgot to hand in my Centrelink form.

Whoops.

I don't think it matters too much, I think they just wont pay you until you hand your form in so I will be making my way down to their office and handing it in on Monday.

I've just had a stupid fortnight of doctors and getting anxious about results that I just forgot about it. Plus my forms are due once a month or every 6 weeks. Oh well.

I saw Deep Purple a few days ago with my Boyfriend and his friend. It was pretty good. It was nice to go out and do something for a change. Last night my boyfriend and I went to the cinema to see The Book of Eli which was amazing really. Tonight we might go and get coffee from the Cafe in Mcdonalds since it's cheaper there and we have been inside all day.

Plus I haven't been feeling that great in the stomach today. It could be related to my cyst. At least it's doing something I guess.

As I type this the BF is sleeping next to me I think it's time to wake him up. =)

More Fat Please

I've gained almost 5kgs in 2 weeks.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like not eating anything at all. I don't even want to exit the house because I am embarrased about what I look like. Hiding away wont be possible today since I have to go out with my Boyfriend to his friends house in Brisbane and make our way to a concert later tonight. The time to see Deep Purple has arrived and right now I don't even want to go.

The past few days I have started to feel guilty about eating and I remind myself how much food I have consumed everyday. Even though most days I don't eat enough I still feel like it was too much. So far today, it is 11:50am and I have eaten 1 and a half pieces of toast and a cup of tea and I feel like that is way too much food. Right now I don't want to eat anymore for the rest of the day but I'll probably end up eating anyway to make everyone else happy.

This is probably the beginning of an eating disorder right?

Sigh.

30 Minutes To Midnight

The X Files is running on my Tv in my bedroom while I sit on my bed playing games online. I kind of wish I had pay TV set up in my room after many nights spent at my boyfriends house who has cable hooked up in his bedroom.

I seem to be addicted to the Lifestyle You channel. Even though most beauty shows make me more depressed about myself because of my weight gain. I just seem to think that only skinny girls are considered to be pretty so now I just feel disgusting. Having a boyfriend that is so thin as well doesn't help.

Also seeing pictures of my ex boyfriend with his new girl who is skinny makes me depressed. I just feel so disgusting and ugly at the moment. Even though the weight gain wasn't due to over eating since I under eat.

No clothing in my wardrobe fits me and since I'm not made of money I can't afford to buy new clothes in the size I need. It's so frustrating trying to figure out what to wear now that will cover my problem areas. Those being my thighs, back and stomach. I also notice that most clothing for people over a size 12 is horrible. One clothing store I went into hardly had any size 14. Grrr.

In brighter news I am off to see Deep Purple play on Tuesday night at the Entertainment Centre. Lets hope my cyst doesn't decide to explode on that night.

Urgh

Okay...

So when I wrote that last entry I was not feeling the greatest. It was night time, I was alone, I had anxiety and I was feeling depressed about things. I was more so worried about ovaries. But I think now maybe I shouldn't keep jumping to conclusions and wait until I have more results.

The doctor rang me again this morning to tell me about going in 2 months instead of 3. So I guess that maybe she perhaps said the wrong amount of time and decided to change it to two. I asked if my blood test was okay this time and she said it was normal. So I guess I can stop getting myself into fits of anxiety over it. It looks like now all I have to worry about is my ovary cyst bursting and being rushed to hospital for pain medication only they can provide me with or finding out in my next scan that my cyst is still there and I will have to go to hospital to have surgery to have it removed.

In regards to deleting people off my facebook. It's better for you this way because my Facebook page has been turned into nothing more than a gaming thing. I have been playing a lot of games lately, especially off Facebook. I know games isn't the best way to help with anxiety and depression but I'm going to do it anyway. Otherwise I will spend more money and spending money is bad.

....

It's time to admit that I am not okay with anything.

I just pretend I am.

So when I logged in and saw the photos all over my facebook status update page I became and still am severly depressed. I removed everyone from my friend list and this isn't something I will regret later. When it comes to that group of people who I knew when I was with my Ex, I felt like an outsider, now that I am not with my Ex being the outsider has become much more noticable. I didn't feel like I was friends with or belonged with them before and I definatly don't now. The new girl who is or isn't his girlfriend is more apart of that group than I ever was.

I know I wasn't invited to someones wedding because it was a small thing, but when your ex gets invited and his not girlfriend is invited and you see photos of them together playing happy family, it really hurt. And I keep crying, everyday thinking about what happened. And I think that maybe if I was normal, if I was a normal person things would of worked out.

And now he is happy and losing weight and with a normal person. I know that's all I ever wanted for him, but I am not dealing with anything and it's been 5 months.

Contributing to my depression is results. I recently got scan results back from the doctor and found out that I have a rather large cyst on my left ovary which has also made my left ovary enlarged. I got told I needed to have another blood test to make sure the cyst isn't doing things to my body...or something. The doctor says get another scan in 3 months then come back to her. A few days pass and I get a phone call to say to go in 2 months instead of 3 and they never told me anything about my blood test, so now I am really worried that the cyst isn't benign and that there is a possiblity that I have ovarian cancer.



I'm so scared.

I just feel like I am not suppose to be here and thats why all these bad things continue to happen to me.

Brain Dead

A put coffee in my cereal bowl the other day.

Just thought you should know.

So?

Why do people hate people who play Farmville?

I have absolutley no understanding as to why people can't stand people who play this online game. People can't seem to get it into their thick little heads that not everyone likes to do the same things as each other. Just because some people like to play Farmville and you don't doesn't mean you need to make fun of them for it. I'm sure you do a lot of things that people don't like too.

I'm not even directing a you at anyone in particular, it's just something I have noticed while using facebook.

I don't think people should use real money to purchase things for in the game, I think that is rediculous because it's not like you get paid real money when you harvest your pretend crops but if some people want to do that then who really cares.

Everyone wastes money on stupid things.

Can't we all just get along - Imp

Emotion Usage

Whoops.

I've been crying today. I didn't think I would considering it's been 5 months since the Ex and I broke up. Today I have to pick up some things from his house. The furniture and things haven't been sorted out yet and it needs to be done.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm so emotional lately. I can't even listen to slow songs without crying about what happened.

Plus on top of this which will explain my emotions as well. Day one of not taking anti depressants has begun.

I'm not use to all these emotions. I'm use to be being numb.

Compupupupupuputer Games

At 10:25am after just waking up and eating breakfast, I am more interested in playing some Sims 2 then cleaning the house for my Mum so she doesn't have to do it on her days off. But I will clean the house first no matter how big my craving for Sims 2 action is because it's the right thing to do.

I awoke this morning to my mobile phone going off. It was my Ex and we discussed when I was getting picked up by him and being taken back to his house to sort out our furniture from when we lived together. When I first got the message in regards to this situation I got upset about it. But that is normal I guess. I'm going to give things away and sell some things because I don't really need any of it except my massage bed. I guess this means I could start doing massage again to practice since I have not given a proper massage to anyone in a very, very long time.

I keep waking up with a blocked nose again which is very upsetting. I can't decide if it's just the weather change or my surgery has stopped working. I really hope it's the first one because that surgery was really expensive.

I seem to be writing a blog that is all over the place.

I write like I have ADD.

And now I have lost my train of thought and will be going to clean a house that is already clean looking.

Orange Drink

The time has come for me to stop taking the anti depressant completely.

I sort of was suppose to stop taking it 2 weeks ago but freaked out a little bit about the concept of being off the drug completely. But tomorrow morning I will be chucking the remainder of my medication out. It's a little bit exciting I think.

In a few days it will be 3 months since the BF and I started dating. I have been getting some anxiety about being with someone for an extended period of time and have it just end. The thought of that happening at the moment is giving me anxiety at night time even though it isn't even really a big deal. I guess it's just happening to me because of how long I was with my ex boyfriend before we split up. I shouldn't even be thinking about these kinds of things when I've only been dating the BF for a few months. I think I will get over it in a short while.

I'm also getting back into computer gaming which is conveniant now that I don't have a computer. I have only started playing The Sims 2 and a little bit of The Sims 3. Plus I reactivated my World of Warcraft account and have slowly been leveling a priest. by slowly I mean so far she is only level 8. I think it's going to take me some time before I can fully get back into that game.

I can only play computer games for short amounts of time because I don't feel comfortable being out in the open on my parents computer and the chair is really uncomfortable. I hope I will be able to afford a lap top or something in a few months.

I know it's been a while since I updated. But I don't have much to say at the moment. My dismal amount of followers prevents me from caring to much to update regular. Even though this is mainly for myself, it would be nice to have people reading it from time to time and leaving feedback.

I think I need to improve my writing skills.

!

I do not appreciate people who are friends with my ex boyfriend telling people that he treated me like shit.

If you truely believe this then grow some fucking balls and say it to his face.

For fucks sake.

ABC 123

It's 12:12am.

I have been having an interesting time mentally the past few days. I have missed calls from the doctor on my phone that I didn't check until Saturday when they were closed. I think the doctor is trying to contact me about going on the drugs every second day. I guess if they didn't want me to start doing that, even though it is what I got told to do then they could of rung me after my visit with the psychologist.

I would be rather annoyed if that was the case because I have been taking them every second day since Thursday now and tomorrow is Monday. I really hope I just continue what I am doing since I have already started doing it.

It is rather hard, harder than halving the dose. It's like I have all these emotions hitting me at one time and I don't know how to deal with it. Well I deal with it by eating. I have wasted so much money on chocolate and candy it isn't even funny. Plus I have gained a lot of weight which is making me rather depressed. I have started walking, but I haven't done it everyday because since I started taking the anti depressant every second day I haven't been feeling well.

It is like when I started going on them. I have trouble sleeping, but luckily it isn't every single night. About 2 days ago I stayed awake all night. I didn't sleep until about 8:30 in the morning and when I did sleep I only slept for 3 hours. Then the next day I went to sleep at 4:30am and didn't wake up until a little after one in the afternoon. When I did that I felt guilty about being asleep for so long.

I don't understand my feelings of guilt at all. I am on a medical certificate allowing me to not work for 3 months while I go off medication and I feel guilty about it. I feel like this is a silly reason to not work. Even though if I was working at this stage I most likely would be calling in sick.

Along with feelings of guilt I also have depression, I find myself crying at some stage everyday. It's usually about being unhappy with my appearance since the weight gain and my break up with my ex boyfriend. It's almost like since I was taking medication at that point when we broke up that I didn't really feel the emotions properly. Now everything that happened towards the end of last year is piling on top of me and all at once and I don't know how to deal with it all. I'm hoping in a few weeks this is something that will pass over.

I guess the other reason why I keep getting sad over my ex is because I'm going through something where the person I'm used to comforting me isn't there anymore. Even though I do have someone new now, it's not someone I am used to, even though we have been together now for nearly 3 months. But there is a huge difference between 3 months and nearly 6 years.

As I sit here typing away I get worried that my Mum or Dad will come out for a drink and see me sitting here at past midnight and wonder why I'm still up. They always say I can't sleep because I'm in front of a computer, but that isn't why at all. I have no trouble sleeping after being on a computer or playing Xbox or even drinking coffee. But since I have been on this medication it has effected my sleeping patterns massively.

I've started rambling.

Stop Walking Over My Grave

I'm laying on a bed that isn't mine, watching a TV show I already watched a few hours ago.

I am feeling the effects of week 2 of going off the anti depressant Cymbalta. The first week consisted of dropping the dose in half and taking one every day. Now I have moved onto one tablet every second day. Mentally I think I am doing okay. I have been a bit down and suffering from some anxiety. It's the physical effects that I don't like.

In the first week I noticed the feeling of a shiver out of no where. The kind where you say 'someone just walked over my grave.' I get them a few times a day. Now I also have the thing I can't explain. My whole body will feel weird. I always refer to it as an inner swoosh. Whatever that even means. But I absolutely hate it.

I also don't feel like doing much. Although I have started walking. Unfortunatly I have gained quite a bit of weight and I have been told to get a check up with the doctor to make sure my thyroid is okay. I really don't eat that much food to of gained what I have in a few weeks. I'm trying not to be too upset about it and I need to stop under eating and I need to start eating better foods.

1am and I am still wide awake.

Of course I still have trouble getting to sleep...

I Heart Smoking Man

Life is like a box of chocolates....

A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.

Worthless Junk

Here is a lesson.

I recently went to Cash Converters to sell a bracelet I got given for Christmas. I managed to get the person to tell me how much they paid for it and he said around $180. The Cash Converter workers who deal with people selling examined this piece of jewelery and told me that the crystals were zirconia and that not even the silver was worth much of anything. Basically this person who bought me the bracelet got massively ripped off by the place he got it from.

On finding out that the bracelet was basically a piece of junk, which wasn't really a surprise, I threw it in the trash can with a smile on my face.

=)

Mmm...Penicillin

If you ever look at a red spot on your body and think 'what the hell is that?' You should probably see a doctor sooner rather than later.

I thought I was getting a boil but it appeared not. The doctor said it looked more like a bite from a spider or some kind of reaction to a mosquito. I don't remember getting bitten, it wasn't itchy, just rather painful to touch and my leg was in agony when trying to walk. It turned into some massive swollen lump on my thigh and by massive I mean maybe a few 50c coins in a circle.

I got given penicillin which I haven't taken in quite some time and I have to take 4 tablets a day and each tablet is 500mg. For some reason my body doesn't like any type of medication like that and it makes me really sleepy. I hate it.

I think I have 2 days left of tablets. I am really looking forward to not taking them any more.

But the 'bite' is clearing up and now looks like a yellow bruise. Still in a rather large circle.

Hello Pretty

Today I went to a pet store and looked at birds.

I would get a bird for a pet if I didn't live at home with someone who has a phobia of birds. They had a few parrots that liked to follow me around in their cages. They are all so bright and colorful and I fell in love with them.

I also fell in love with a canary that was yellow and pink and a little red finch. I never thought I would be a bird person. They just seem so curious with you all the time.

When I ever get my own place I definatly would purchase a bird to have as a pet.

=)

Rains Are 'Ere

Last night I had trouble getting to sleep.

The past few weeks sleep has been more like a chore. The dreams started again. Those vivid and bizarre images coming out of my imagination. I am no longer dreaming of people wanting to kill me. I guess that's a good sign that things are getting better. Getting to sleep is the hardest. Once I am asleep it's usually not broken for a good few hours.

I start going off my anti depressants today. I'm both excited and scared at the same time. They have reduced my dose to 30 mg a day and I am to take that amount a day for a week. I then have an appointment booked next week with my psychologist to see how I am going on 30mg. If I am okay, then I start taking the tablets on alternative days for a week or so and then stop all together. But if I am not okay, then I have to take 30mg for a month or a bit more so my body can adjust.

In other news our cat, Lou Lou or better known as lubemobile or lubatron has become increasingly more annoying. Especially if she is sleeping in my bedroom at night. There is no getting rid of her. If my door is shut before she gets the opportunity to get into my room she will cry to my Mum to let her outside, then she will jump on my window and cry for me to let her into my room. Lou Lou sleeping is no problem, I can handle that, it's when she wakes up and wants to wake me up for pats. On more than a few occasions I have awoken to her just sitting next to me staring at me for me to wake up. Talk about freaky.

It's 11am and I have not even eaten breakfast yet. I guess if I had good cereal I would be more in the mood to be bothered but right now I'm justlooking at toast. Ew.

Fake News

I have to laugh at the idiots involved.

The news they have heard about the fight that erupted a few nights ago isn't even true, yet they believe what they are being told. It's hilarious. This is what happened...

I received some bullshit email from the liar in regards to money he owed me for something that broke in his possession that he said he would pay for. He had been talking to his slimy lawyer friend about a measly $20 that he said he would give me. I sent him 5 messages in regards to this money over the space of a month. The only reason I sent 5 was because he wouldn't reply. In this email he sends me he says he will consider filing harassment charges about my 5 messages. Which is hilarious considering the amount of text messages I would receive from him on a daily basis. I would get over 50 a day starting at about 6 or 7 am.

Harassment is behavior which is found threatening or disturbing. My 5 messages asking for my $20 was not harassment. What he did to me WAS harassment. Also the sexual harassment I received from him whenever he hung out with me is something that highly bothered me, yet whenever I would mention it to him he would deny he was saying anything wrong.

Back to the story - In this email he tells me he will only pay for half of it but will not travel to my house to give it to me. It looks like someone doesn't know posting mail exists. So we go to his house to collect. When we get there the liar was quite rude to us. Us is my boyfriend and I. Immediately starts lying. Which infuriates me and I start yelling at him. A fight erupts between the BF and the liar. The liar starts yelling out for his Daddy. 'Dad, dad!' Haha. As soon as his Dad comes out he runs for the hills and lets his parents fight his fight.

His red neck father starts calling me a fucking cunt and telling me he will beat the shit out of me. I call him a fucking racist. I stand up to his Dad, no problem. His Dad then becomes quiet for the remainder of the event.

On our way to the car the red neck mother follows us and starts saying shit to me about things I supposedly said but never did. She hits me in the face. I assume she expects me to hold my face and start crying. But no, I hit back. Which is called self defense. I punch her in the head about 3 or 4 times and try to push her to the ground but she's too damn fat.

While I attack the mother, the red neck father and the liar do nothing but stand still and watch. I confront the liar about why he is doing this to me. And the things I am talking about is lying about me to people. The liar can't even look me in the face. I can tell he knows he is caught out. We leave. The end.

Of course, people are being told something else. These people need to know that the liar is a LIAR and a weak little boy who gets his parents to fight his battles for him. The liar hates all of you. The liar jokes about you all, and tells me you all use him. So why are you friends with this person? I'll tell you why, because you are all exactly like him.

I can laugh at this and you because I know what really happened and you're all stupid enough to believe his story.

Sucks to be you.

Correction

The bad guys in this situation did not win.

In the end they remain with nothing.

While we continue to thrive.

=)

Why Do The Bad Guys Win?

A fight erupted last night and as soon as we left the scene the person involved got straight online and started lying about what happened.

I'm sick of being surrounded by people who lie and they lie directly to my face.

I did not deserve to be punched in the face by someones mother. My BF did not deserve to be called a peodophile. We did not deserve to be threatned with violence.

Back Is Back

So....

I have not been able to update because the internet at my parents house died a horrible death. Well, more the router. We had to wait until the phone company sent us the new one, they took their sweet time.

Today is 2 months into my new relationship and things are going great. Tonight we are getting Indian food and probably watching a movie, The X Files TV show or playing Halo 3 in 2 player mode.

I now have a new doona cover in my room, it's nice and bright. White, pink and green stripes. Plus new curtains. I finally got some blackout curtains and got rid of the see through purple ones I had. They are white with white silk stripes and it makes my room look a lot nicer and neater.

My hair is now black and blue and I purchased my first pair of high heel shoes. They are black with black netting and go to my ankles. They are quite sexy. ;D

Since I have to shower and get changed for when the BF arrives I cannot write much more. It's 5pm and I have eaten hardly anything today and I want some food!

But I will be back....again.

Complete Insanity

It's time.

The conversation was read and the only thing I got out of it was every compliment made was completely ignored by MDB, who would often change the subject because an underage girl saying such things can make one rather uncomfortable. There was no evidence of a relationship in read conversations. There was no flirting done by MDB. No lovey dovey words by MDB. No sexual chat. No nothing. Just someone trying to help a young girl with troubles in school and at home.

He tried to help UAG. But she became obsessed. Changing her name to his name followed by ily. Because young girls can often have trouble understanding the difference between friendship and relationship. All he tried to do was help. Now for repayment, she is ruining his life.

I know she will eventually read this and act the same way she has been acting the whole time. I just want her to know she needs to stop this. She needs to stop sending messages to his phone. She needs to stop thinking they dated. She needs to stop trying to convince people. She needs to move on and forget about him. She needs to stop telling me such things. Trying to make me think I am inferior to her. That she will always be more important to MDB than I will ever be.

It will not work. You will not win. This needs to stop. And it needs to stop now.

Concentration Camp

Saying you're going to do something is so much easier than actually doing it.

Last night I said I was going to write a reply letter to my friend. When actual fact, I started a letter, managed one page, then I couldn't seem to concentrate on it anymore. My mind will wander off and start thinking about other things and eventually I can no longer do what I was doing. This is what happens with everything I am doing. Movies, xbox, TV, internet, sleep, reading. EVERYTHING.

Trying to sleep last night ended up like the past few nights. Most of my time was spent tossing and turning rather than actually sleeping. Although, I must admit the weather the past few nights also hasn't helped. Hot weather is one of my most hated kinds of weather. My obsession with being clean comes out in Summer. Constantly showering and changing clothes, only to start sweating and feeling dirty again. It drives me insane. Global Warming also doesn't help. Considering summer is almost over, it just seems to be getting hotter. I am really looking forward to winter.

Back to my sleeping habit. The cat, Louie or Lubemobile or Luba or Lubatron, slept in my room last night. I think she had been missing me since I have spend numerous days away from home. She just would not leave me alone last night. She has an obsession with wanting to sleep touching you in some way. Since it's hot weather and she is losing her cat hair, you wind up covered in it. And if sweat makes me feel dirty.....cat hair makes me feel super dirty.

It's time to remove this mud mask off my face and have a cold shower.

Lost Art

My excitement went through the roof...

Well, through the sky considering I was outside at the time, when I received a letter in the mail from an online friend from over seas.

We are going to start writing letters to each other. Even though at times I find letter writing to be hard, it's probably one of my favorite things to do. I want to start being pen pals with my friends that live in another country or in another state. It makes being in contact with each other much more personal. I sometimes get sick of MSN and email and letters on a screen.

Hand written letters seem to have more meaning.

Tonight, I'm going to write a reply. =)

The LOL Factor

Crazy kids.

Since I last updated...

• I left facebook
• I rejoined twitter
• My eye is much better
• I am no longer on antibiotics
• I have removed people from my life
• I saw a kitten that looked like my old kitty called Sasha

I could bullet point more but I'm due to be at 2 doctors within 1 hour. Do you think I can do it? You know what doctors are like these days. Leave you waiting an obscene amount of time and then they usually don't help you as much as you would of hoped or expected. Then you sometimes don't get bulk billed for this lack of help and it's always over priced.

At 2:22pm I decide whether or not I have time to talk about crazy kids and liars....

I could make a movie out of what has happened the past few months and it would be a blockbuster.

All I have time to say right now is that I suppose these people think they have or are affecting my life right now when in fact I am laughing at them for their stupidity and reactions to events that don't even have anything to do with them.

I am actually smiling right now.

Cruelty In Dreams

My dream last night bothered me.

This is the second dream I have had about my ex and the girl he is seeing that hurt my feelings. Everyone preferred her to me. All the friends, all the people, my ex's parents, they all preferred her to me. Even though I have known them for 5 years or more, she was better. Everyone was ignoring me and talking to her and I cried and tried to run away but I couldn't. It's like I was being forced to watch and forced to get my feelings hurt.

I am depressed about a stupid dream. But it isn't just the dream. I believe all this to be true. Why wouldn't it be? She can talk, I can't. She doesn't have mental illness, I do. She's smarter than me. She's independent. She's skinnier. She's prettier. She's younger. She's everything and I'm nothing.

I'm nothing.

I hate my social disability. I hate how it makes people treat me. I hate how it effects the ability to have friends. I hate myself so much. All I wanted for my ex was to find someone better than me, which is easy to do because I'm complete rubbish. And now that he has I'm depressed. I'm even starting to think this way about my current boyfriend. I actually hope he meets someone better than me. Then I can be alone and not be a bother to anyone anymore.

I don't have anything going for me. I can't talk. I can't form real relationships with people. I'm stupid. Too stupid to even finish school. I'm not good at anything.

But she is. She is better than me. I just feel so stupid. I wish people would stop lying to me. Stop telling me I'm pretty and that I'm not fat. Stop telling me I'm not stupid. Because I am all of these things. Please. Just leave me alone.

I am nothing.

Sex, Lies and Blogs.

This current fiasco is driving me insane.

So I've decided the best way to deal with it is to not deal with it. I will do this by ignoring what people say. I am sick and tired of people taking advantage of me. I am not as stupid as you think I am. The last time girls did this to me was in high school. HIGH SCHOOL. I am twenty fucking six. High school was about ten years ago for me now. I am too old for this shit. I believe MDB. End of the line.

This year was suppose to be a better year for me and so far it doesn't feel like it. It's one infection after another. Pills after pills after pills. Doctor after doctor after doctor. Give me a fucking break! You can tell I'm getting rather irritated by all this because I don't normally swear in my blogs. I leave that for real life.

iweugfiwgrfuqdfwehf!

Red Eye Part 2

My experience with doctors is that you have to see a few before you find one that actually wants to help you properly.

This doctor is actually helping me. He has given me 2 types of eye drops. One is an antibiotic that I first used and one is an inflammatory, funnily enough it's called FML. Which is exactly my current thoughts at the moment. I basically have to overdose my eye with antibiotics until Monday and then I will be seeing an eye specialist. They, the doctor and the eye specialist, seem to think that I either have a viral conjunctivitis or Iritis.

Hopefully it's the viral conjunctivitis. Because Iritis doesn't sound like a good thing to have.

Red Eye

Third doctor visit was a little bit more successful.
But the news wasn't good.

Tonight my eye is going to overdose on eye drops. Tomorrow morning I return to the doctor. If my eye looks the same then it is off to an eye specialist for an emergency visit. The doctor is worried that I have an infection of the iris behind the eye because of how much vision is gone from that eye.

I am not in a happy mood. I am rather scared that I have permanent damage to my eye. I feel like my body is falling apart. I have had so many doctor visits and surgeries the past few years...

What is going on?

Missing

Spending 2 nights and 3 days at my boyfriends house was a good idea.

I needed to get out of my bedroom and out of this house to become a little bit more sane again. We were suppose to play some PS2 but because my eye is still not even better I couldn't play anything for very long. Writing this is even a bit hard because my vision in my right eye is not good anymore. I just hope it isn't permanent.

Last night I watched the BF do karaoke at the pub. He sang a Judas Priest song for me which I really enjoyed. I also met some people he went to school with. Of course being a pub, when he was on stage singing a song, some old drunk guy tried to hit on me, which is a regular thing with me and going to pubs here in Aussie land. It would be nice if I were to be hit on by someone my own age or younger, but it seems I only attract drunk men over the age of 40.

Also, for some reason, some girls and an older woman kept giving me the most hated looks. The older woman even went to walk past me and stopped for a minute staring at me and I completely ignored her, but it really made me angry. I kept wondering what was wrong with me for people who I have never even seen before and who they have never seen before could hate me based on what I look like. If she had said something to me I probably would of broken my glass in her face. I hope I don't see her again.

In other news, my Mum has to get an ultra sound after going for a pap smear test because the doctor said something didn't look right down there. I have to go with her because we need to go to centrelink and we're going to see if I can get to a doctor about my eye. It's been like this for 2 weeks now. It' not as swollen as it used to be but it's still red, discharging pus and my vision is bad.

Oh well.

A Break Down Of Sorts

My mood is all over the place.
I'm depressed and angry at myself for things I have and have not done.
I feel ugly and fat and eat more because of it.
When I get down I miss my ex and it makes my current boyfriend feel like crap.
I hate being alone and I hate having company.
I just want someone to hug me while I sleep.
If I could just sleep...
I'm feeling like I cannot deal with myself.
I wish I could run away from my mind.
My only way to do that is through sleep.
If I could just sleep...

White Vs White

It is my opinion that Australians are getting more and more stupid.

Facebook users have this obsession with becoming a fan of something or being apart of a group that has the same beliefs as you. I am apart of this weird phenomenon. When the arrival of Australia Day was on our heels, Facebook became flooded with Australians joining Australian Pride groups. I became a fan of 'I'm sick of seeing those damn Australian flags on peoples' cars!'. In this group a girl joined just to tell everyone that we aren't real Australians because we don't like people sticking flags on their cars. I responded with, if we live here, we are Australian. Boy, she did not like that one little bit.

It went backwards (heh heh heh) and forwards like that for a little while. Almost immediatly, after seeing what I look like, she started accusing me of needing a piece of paper to be called Australian or and I quote 'even worse....here on a visa'. Right towards the end she told me I looked like a 'gook'. This came right after her rant on how I don't know what racism means and she does....obviously.

My Facebook photo might not show my face real well, but you can still see that I am white. I am white, white even. I might have brown eyes and brown hair, but when did that make someone look ethnic? Since when are Australians suppose to be blonde with blue eyes?

Are we becoming the next Nazi Germany?

The Return Of The Hypochondria

I have not yet returned to the doctor about my eye. I hate going to doctors because I always fear they are going to tell me there is something seriously wrong with me.

My eye is now the worst it has been in the past week. I avoided making an appointment today which made my parents incredibly angry so I will be making an appointment for tomorrow. Hopefully they can fit me in. Even though I was and kind of still am certain it is conjunctivitis, I have started to worry it's something else, that something else always winds up being cancer.

So, being the girl that I am I had a huge cry over it and my Mum found me and then I had to tell her about how I have been feeling which is something that I don't like doing. Maybe it's because I don't feel comfortable letting family know how I feel, or maybe I just don't like feeling even more weak and pathetic in front of them.

Who knows.

Bye Bye Meds

I have started the process of going off my medication.

The doctor has suggested going off the mood stabilizer first. I must be off it for one month then return to the doctor, see how I am then I can start going off my anti depressant. This is all very scary and exciting. As much as I am looking forward to not being on medication anymore, I am scared about the whole process of withdrawals and how drawn out this whole thing is going to be. I wont be looking to get a job for a few months now. So I suppose I better make my way down to Centrelink with a medical certificate.

I hope I am doing the right thing.

Adult Child

I'm 26 years old and I live with my parents.

This morning my phone woke me up. I sat up and picked up my mobile phone and answered it. It was my Mum and she sounded rather annoyed that at 8:15am I was still sleeping. There was a time when I would be up before 8:30am. That was before I started taking this medication. I have told my parents this already, but they don't believe me. They think I'm just being lazy staying up all night playing video games which isn't even true.

I don't sleep well at night and it isn't because I play video games. Ever since I started taking this anti depressant I haven't been able to sleep well. I go to bed at a decent time, but spend most of the hours in my bed tossing and turning or waking up from bad dreams in the middle of the night. Nothing I do helps me sleep, not even exercise. So it makes me really angry when my parents accuse me of playing too many video games and being in a front of a computer for too long.

During the day I rarely even touch my Xbox unless someone comes over or I get really bored. I will watch movies or play Uno on my Xbox if I am home alone at night because my parents use both TV's in the evening and so I enter my bedroom so I have something to do. I have in the past played video games all day but I have seriously not done that in a very long time. Especially since I also have trouble concentrating on anything for an extended period of time. I can't even read anymore. Which I find very upsetting because I love reading.

I just get cranky because I feel like no one listens to me or believes I have anything wrong with me. Living at home always makes me feel like a child again and I try so hard not to let anything bother me. I already feel useless having no job, no money and hardley any life. I don't need anything else on top of that.

Eye Puff

My absence from blog writing can be blamed on my boyfriend. It still feels weird referring to someone new as my boyfriend. I guess I'm still not used to this whole thing. It's been half a month since we started officially going out. Maybe in a few months things will feel more....normal?

The BF is currently the only person I have been hanging out with. We have seen each other every day for the past week. I'm in a weird place at the moment, I don't find the BF annoying, I guess I just get irritated that he is the only person I have to hang out with lately and that is what happened in my last relationship and I really didn't want to repeat that situation. But, it's a bit hard to find new friends or whatevers when you are jobless and your BF doesn't really have many friends either. So what am I to do?

Also, being someone who never has a day where something does not go wrong, I have some kind of conjunctivitis in my right eye. At least that's what she said without actually looking at my eye closely. So I got given some antibiotic eye drops that don't seem to be working. My vision is now really irritating me in that eye, because the fluid in my eye is quite thick and covering my pupil on a regular basis. I have tried rinsing it with salt water but that also does nothing. My eye is badly blood shot at the moment, especially underneath my top eye lid. The inner corner of my eye is getting sore from tissues and there appears to be some kind of lump next to my tear duct. So if this doesn't clear up, it's back to the doctor and saying goodbye to another $50 which is something I don't have.

Tomorrow will be the first day in a week or more that I will have to myself. It's making me anxious, even though I have things I can do. Today I rearranged my bedroom and now it feels fresh and new. I have some organizing of a shelf for my xbox games and electrical stuff and I need to organize my bathroom cupboard. Fun times!

Now I'm going to go before I rip my eyeball out of my head and squash it with my foot.

The Beginning

And he uttered the words, I'm falling in love with you.

Something Else

I'm thinking I should ban myself from writing blog entries when I'm in a depressive state. I'm not saying anything I have written is in any way false, but I know certain people read my blog and I like pretending that I am 100% okay.

Today I am feeling a lot better than I did last night. Although, I managed to fall asleep after just waking up while watching the first Star Trek movie. It's now almost 2pm and my ex who is suppose to be showing up to pick up some DVD's of his still hasn't arrived. I'm wondering if he has forgotten.

I unfortunatly weighed myself this morning and discovered a weight gain of 2kgs. 2 kgs I had lost while going to the gym. I'm so mad at myself for not exercising lately. I blame the weather. It's so hot I just can't be bothered. Tomorrow morning I should start treadmilling. I'm just unhappy with my thighs and their citrus peel appearance that is gradually getting worse and making me feel incredibly unattractive. Plus my stomach could do with looking less pregnant. I shouldn't care because I've been told I look good anyway, but I can't help it.

I'm starting to revert back to constantly thinking I shouldn't eat. That is very bad, bad, bad!

Something

I finally made an appointment with my doctor for early next week. I'm nervous about going because I am worried she won't let me go off my medication.

I've been feeling like I have been on a rollercoaster. My emotions are all over the place and it's making me miserable all over again. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. I am trying to take everything one day at a time but it is really hard.

One reason for my emotions being all over the place is that I officially started going out with Mr Dancing Butterflies. I should be happy and nothing else, but I'm anxious and stressed and I think it's because the start of a new relationship is scary to me, especially since I haven't done it for over 5 years. It feels weird being with someone different. So very weird. I'm so used to my ex being there and now to have someone completely different...

I wonder how long it will take before this feels right.

Sun Shower

Coffee with my ex was a good idea.

Getting in his car again for the first time in over a month made me feel weird, maybe because of all the years being in that car having him drive me somewhere. We went to Starbucks and got caramel frappachinos. We spoke about things we have been up to and our new relationships. I felt no anxiety or any need to cry like I have done the last few times I saw him. It was really good to see him again.

I was really worried that being friends with an ex wouldn't work. But I think we might be a part of that small group of people that can make a friendship work. I think this is because we both agree that we were always better at being friends.

I can now say, that when I think about the relationship that we had, I feel my most favorite of all emotions. Happy sad. I have no regrets about my relationship with my ex. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to know someone as well as I did and to have someone know me. I know we had some good times and we had some bad times. But maybe all of that had to happen. There will be a lot of things I will miss, that I will never experience again with him. The songs he used to make up for me, our afternoon naps together, his hugs, his little dances. =)

We went through so much together and it's sad that in the end we just couldn't keep going. But it's happy that we will still have each other in our lives.

I'm so happy I get to have you in my life and that you got to be my happy sad.
I love you. =)

Minature Spiral

I cried because I'm afraid.
I cried because I was alone.
I cried because I was confused.
I cried because I'm not certain.
I cried because I miss you.
I cried because I don't feel like I deserve this.

The Put Off

I keep hesitating to make an appointment with my doctor to ask about going off my medication. I'm terrified of going through the process of going off medication and no one else around me seems to understand.

My emotions have already been all over the place the last few days and I feel like I need to get them straight before I consider going off anything, otherwise I am worried I will get denied what I want to do.

I have so many issues with myself I'm starting to second guess if this is something I should be doing. The only thing I know for certain is that I am no longer comfortable with being on any type of drugs to help fix my problem.

My problems exist because of me, so I should be the one to fix them. Not a drug.

Same Same

Walking along a wooden path near the beach last night had an 'Oh my fucking God' moment.

This same path has a seating area which a specific moment in my life took place. The conversation which lead to my eventual break up with my ex. When this conversation took place an elderly couple sat opposite us and sat there almost the entire time.

Last night, walking along this same path with Mr Dancing Butterflies..(which I now hate referring to him as that because it's really stupid!)..the same elderly couple were walking ahead of us, even wearing the exact same thing they were wearing that night with my ex.

It was kind of strange to say the least.

Pill Induced Dreams

Napping has become a regular early to late afternoon habit that I wish to get out of. My days have become intertwined with one another and everything seems like a haze. Sometimes I don't even remember what day it is or if something I had done occured today or on some previous day of the week...

Or if it even happened at all.

I've started dreaming less about being the object of a killers fantasy and more about people around me. A dream that is sticking in my mind lately is the dream I had that involved a friend I had recently spent an evening with. In this dream we were at some kind of indoor market and there were a lot of people there. So many people in fact that we lost each other in the crowd and no matter how hard we tried we couldn't get each other back. Everytime we even came close some more people would get in the way and pull us even further apart.

It seems if I don't dream about someone wanting to kill me, I will dream of something else that is hurtfull to me. My dreams are evil and I wish a lot of them would stop happening, but it seems I have no control over it what so ever.

Future Anxiety

Drama, drama, drama.

I have encountered my first love square and boy does it suck. The past few days have managed to give me back anxiety that was long gone. I'm taking a break from one of my friends for a little while to try and let things die down a bit. So it looks like it's going to be a little quiet on the 'hanging out with friends' front. In other news it will be my sisters birthday this weekend and she is having a party with too many friends drinking too much alcohol and I will be attending and staying completely sober. Being the girl that I am I am already thinking about what I should wear, considering apart from my parents I will be the oldest person there. JOY!

I have been reading about the withdrawl symptoms of the anti depressant I am taking. I'm rather scared about going off them. I've read it's a hundred times worse than starting the drug and starting this drug was pretty damn bad. Times like this I wish I had more friends and have sleep overs like a kid every night of the week so I'm not alone in the process.

I also haven't been able to sleep again. I'm really starting to consider sleeping pills but I already stick enough poisons in my body with all my medication. This year is going to be a hard one.

I'm already starting to freak the fuck out....

The Magic Book

The new year has gone off with a bang. Seriously while typing that the wind slammed my bedroom door shut.

My nails are no longer blue but a shade of forest green. My room is still a complete mess. I broke my glasses and I got an illness and the antibiotics are making me drowsy and wanting to sleep all day. My depression has been in full force and I really wish it would just piss off and leave me alone because this isn't helping me in my decision to finally get off my anti depressant.

What I wanted to write about was my magic book. It's quite stupid really. Years ago I got an oracle book, kind of like those 8 balls you used to be able to get where you ask it a question, shake it around and it would give you an answer. With this one you concentrate, ask a question and flick through pages until you felt the need to stop and that page would have your answer. Mr Dancing Butterflies will no doubt read this so I will re word the question I asked my magical book. One evening I asked my book jokingly if I would ever meet a boy again and the page I ended up stopping on said this - rely on the help of a stranger.

Lately I keep thinking about that stupid book and what it said. Even though I don't believe in this book or anything like it at all, I still find it weird.